Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a perennial optimist, you always prefer to view problems as opportunities. Which means you are currently battling with a crippling drink opportunity.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The strength of Mercury, your ruling planet, has opened that stubborn jar of super-sized Polish gherkins. Now, as we all know, you've never been a fan of pickled vegetables and so I find myself asking you once again: what's going on?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Hard work never killed anyone, but sitting on your arse while I'm paying you good money will fetch you a smack in the mouth. Chop-chop, fatty.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

You should spend the entire week sipping ice cold schnapps, smoking filterless cigarettes and listening to The Pixies very loudly with the headphones on. I know you probably won't – I am simply saying that you should.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Finding yourself at yet another wedding of a friend, pining for the beautiful American who's engaged to someone else, you start to wonder if you'll ever find love. Maybe try cutting that stupid hair of yours and stop being quite such a stuttering bellend.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why: Saturn will fuck you up if you make another sound.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Watch out, you could end up with egg on your face this week as others delight in pelting you in the face. With eggs.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your small business loan application is turned down by the bank as they refuse to fund research into your doomsday killing machine. The fools, now they will be the first to die after news arrives that your government innovation grant has finally come through.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your vegetarianism is tested to the limit this week when you're stranded on a desert island with only a dead sailor and a barrel of goose fat for company. You may find your sexual horizons widening too.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A mysterious week for you as a friend of a friend picks up an old lady hitchhiker with incredibly big hands and hairy legs, tricks 'her' into getting out of the car and then drives off, only to discover on arriving home that there was no axe stuffed under the passenger seat and that an elderly, confused transvestite has been run over on the M25.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Kill it! Kill it! Kill it! Oh thank God for that. What the hell was that thing? It was huge, wasn't… oh FUCK, it's still not dead!