Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Why not recreate the Christmas spirit a bit early this weekend by getting horrifically drunk at a family party and kissing your grandmother with tongues? Just like last year.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your life will echo that Yuletime favourite It's A Wonderful Life this week, but unfortunately for you, it will be 30 minutes before the film ends. Nobody cares you exist and you’re going to jail for assaulting a police officer.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The new moon in Sagittarius helps you move like Michael Jackson. You know you're smooth, you're bad, you're really, really bad.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A magical week for you as you push through some fur coats in the back of a wardrobe to find yourself in a winter wonderland which is ruled by a wicked witch who you then defeat in a series of epic battles with the help of a talking lion who eventually sacrifices himself and is then resurrected in a very obvious Christ parallel. You posh little tit.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You'll be made to eat your words this week as Saturn picks you up in a bar, takes you home to his and then, in the morning, cooks you a breakfast of toast and alphabetti spaghetti which spells out 'I am drunken sex tart'.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your work with traumatised troops returning from Afghanistan appears to be going strangely unappreciated despite you taking them to a double bill screening of Saving Private Ryan and Gallipoli.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You're making fantastic headway with your finances this week thanks to your latest scheme peddling counterfeit homeopathy remedies via the internet. Of course, it can't last as everyone will soon realise they are just sugar pills which don't contain  even a single molecule of active medicinal ingredient. Won't they?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You're in a flirty mood this week and will bat your eyelashes at anyone you think will respond which should make your forthcoming visit to the ape enclosure at London zoo all the more stimulating.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your life reaches a new low as the amateur porn film you made to pay for some more crack is so debased that the internet refuses to show it. The whole internet, for Christ's sake.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
I was in your arms, thinking I belonged there. I figured it made sense, building me a fence. But obviously it didn't, it just rhymed.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You really start to get into the festive spirit this week after somebody dumps an old Christmas tree in the skip you're living in and you festoon it with all the bottle tops from your most recent crate of Crabbie's alcoholic ginger beer.