Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You've recently started sporting a jaunty outfit of purple cords, fisherman's hat, yellow-lensed sunglasses and ironic 1970s Alitalia satchel. All you need is to tattoo the word 'fuckmuppet' on your forehead and you're all done.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After being sent to a hick town to cover a bizarre weather ritual, you’ll be spending the next 12 months reliving the same day over and over again. There's no easy way of breaking this to you, but it's going to involve an awful lot of Andie McDowell.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Glor, hor he hor he hor, hor he hor he hor, hor he hor hee horrrr-ria. Hosanna in excelsis!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This year instead of lavishing expensive gifts on friends and family give to them in a more spiritual way, by just spending time with them and telling them that you love them. They'll really admire you for it.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you can spot Jupiter in the evening sky – straight up and a little to the left of the moon – then why the hell are you bothering me? I've got stuff to do too you know.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Time to overhaul your profile on that dating website and stop being quite so picky about the number of limbs you look for in a life partner. Maybe stop listing ‘anal’ as one of your hobbies, too.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A 'beef' has developed on your 'turf' after a 'baller' has been 'dissing' your 'flow' on Facebook. You do know your name’s Julian and you live in Buckingham, don’t you?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Work continues to be a concern as your latest 360 degree appraisal meeting involves the chief executive, a priest and a representative from the RSPCA.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It may be an idea to spend less time in your local as you’re now able to recall the sequence of flashing lights on the fruit machine from memory.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
That big box under the Christmas tree from Saturn has started to smell funny and the dog won't leave it alone. Are you sure you want to unwrap it in front of the family?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
And now the end is near, and so I face the final curtain. Christ, I hate fucking hate IKEA