Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
An overly-ambitious acquisition strategy undermined by reduced fiscal liquidity this quarter sees you searching the seat cushions in Wetherspoons for change to buy your next 99p pint. Again.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Take another long hard look at your ambitions for the coming year and then add 'getting home with my own pants on, for once'. Super.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
After a tile falls from your roof causing the Roman governor to be thrown from his horse, you are arrested and condemned to the galleys. En route to the sea you meet Jesus and he gives you some water, but for some reason completely fails to make your leg irons disappear. After three years of solid rowing you end up in Rome where you beat your best friend in a mental chariot race – during which he gets mangled to fuck – before finally returning to the house with the dodgy roof. Don't touch your mum though, she's got leprosy.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
With Saturn going backwards this week you may hear a persistent high pitched 'wheep, wheep, wheep' noise followed by the distinctive, muffled crunch of a much-loved cat.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After watching your box set of The Wire, you convince yourself you're a drunken maverick cop with an eye for the opposite sex and an incredible gift for detective work. Rather than a low-level benefit fraud officer in a provincial council office.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Regardless of the multiple speeds and the five-star functionality of the anal stimulation setting, it remains an inappropriate birthday gift for a grandfather. As you well know.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If you must bite your nails in the cinema, then could you at least put your socks and shoes back on afterwards? Ta.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A trillion-ton lump of gas 40,000 light years away will dictate how well your blind date will go this week. Like fuck it will.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A bad day at work this week as hired goons break your thumbs for being two months late on your tea club payments.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If you're going out can you get me a copy of Grazia and a big jar of goose fat? You're a star.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your first meeting with the Triads ends badly during your karaoke rendition of 'Happy Talk' with a lamp shade on your head. After the whole 'Shaddapa You Face' fiasco with the Tattaglia family, you really should have seen this coming.