Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If I could turn back time, if I could find a way, I'd take back all the words that hurt you and you'd stay. And I probably wouldn't call your mum a festering whore, either.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A stage show involving an 80-foot ape, enraged beyond belief? What could possibly go wrong?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

With the Sun moving to oppose Mars and Jupiter signing up for a new gym membership, perhaps you should finally admit that you ignored all the legal advice and invaded Iraq because you think you're Jesus. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Although you expect others to welcome your creative input they'll consider it inappropriate because they are big shot Hollywood producers having a business lunch at the Ivy to discuss their new film project and you are the fucking waiter. Shut it.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you suddenly realise that the president was murdered by a conspiracy organised at the highest levels of the government and carried out by ruthless and experienced cold warriors to ensure nothing stood in the way of total war in South East Asia. You arrest a camp millionaire and a freaky little guy in a dodgy wig, but the jury throws your case out after half an hour because it turns out you're full of shit.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray, although it has to be said the mouse is currently making a considerably better fist of things than you are.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If it continues to weep try sponging it gently with a tincture of hot prune juice and dill oil. And then pray for forgiveness, you God-forsaken wretch.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Some company on the television apparently wants to make your £20,000 of debt magically disappear and they don't seem to want a penny in return. Isn't that nice of them?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Kids may well say the funniest things but yours just tend to scream at ear-splitting volume about wanting some juice. And thank you for bringing them to the pub, by the way. Do you mind if I give them one of my cigarettes?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you will quit your job, sell your house and sever all ties to friends and family so that you may devote the rest of your life to hunting down whoever decided to introduce self-service check-outs in supermarkets without bothering to ask if they actually fucking work.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Treble nineteen, treble fourteen, double top. Magic darts.