Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A top of the range Blu Ray player, 42-inch high definition plasma screen TV, Bose surround sound speaker system, and you're watching Runaway Bride. I hope they burgle you from behind.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
As a visitor to a foreign country, it's always polite to acknowledge and respect their laws and customs. So keep your Iron Age views on homosexuality to yourself, you pointy-hatted freakboy.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This week you will be having lengthy, psychologically-traumatising conversations with a cannibalistic psychopath in the hope he can help you catch a serial killer. A couple of suggestions: One, try interviewing the really creepy bloke who lives right next door to the first victim. And two, watch out for flying spunk.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You pay good money to be whipped senseless by a burly, chain-smoking woman and you're branded a sleazy pervert. A Pope does it when he's supposed to be Poping and he's nominated for sainthood. Funny. Old. World.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Yours was a love that defied authority, flew in the face of convention and was without words. Damn you RSPCA!

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

You can ring ma beee-eee-ell, ring ma bell. Ma bell. Ring it. Ring it. Ring it.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You are a valued colleague who gets the job done, never complains, respects the executive team and has complete faith in their judgement. What's the rent like in Chump City?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Librans like to keep things in balance. You're like a big set of old-fashioned kitchen scales. On one side you are empty while on the other side you have some small hexagonal weights of varying sizes. And you're really good for measuring flour and stuff. Well done.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You sound a bit like a superhero don't you? 'Don't worry everyone, here comes Scorpio!' Except that you're not and the idea of you coming actually makes me throw up into my mouth a little bit.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your lengthy and vitriolic attack on former US defence secretary Donald Rumsfeld leaves the Chilcot Inquiry shocked and confused. Mainly because when you first came in you did seem to think it was a Pret a Manger.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you arrive at the latest roundabout in your life. I don't suppose there's any chance you could try indicating for once, you fucking arsehole?