Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
When the night has come, and the land is dark, and the moon is the only light we see, no I won't be afraid, no I won't shed a tear, just as long as we both get what we came for before the police turn up.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Life is a merry-go-round, seize opportunities, value close friends, don't resist a freedom of information request while trying to hide the fact that you've been manipulating climate data to strengthen the case for anthropogenic global warming, and remember, you don't find love, love finds you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You go on holiday to Florence with your dried-up cousin and get taken roughly in a corn field by a handsome freak. Back in England you get engaged, for God knows what reason, to some random ponce, before freakboy turns up out of the blue, has a naked swim with the local vicar and feels you up behind a hedge. You ditch the ponce, marry the freak and end up back in Florence where it soon becomes apparent that he's only interested in the contents of your massive Edwardian underpants.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

So let's look at that haul from your leaving-do: A Wizard of Oz colouring book and fridge magnet set, the complete Will & Grace on DVD, a ticket for Legally Blonde: the musical and the Lady GaGa album. Yes, it does look like they've worked it out for themselves.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Don't be disheartened by your lack of progress right now. Remember that little acorns grow into mighty oaks. Except the ones that are eaten by squirrels. They just end up as discarded, lifeless turds.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After not driving your car for a week the rear brake pads will be fused to the discs making it impossible to move the vehicle unless you first remove the wheels and hit the brake callipers with a rubber hammer to release them. Next week we'll deal with that persistent dripping tap.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Disappointment this week when you discover that thing you do every Wednesday afternoon with two masked strangers and a tethered bull is not covered by parliamentary privilege.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Jupiter reckons you should probably grab an extra £20 or £30 from the cash machine just in case, but also reckons you probably don't need to stand right next to the person whose currently using it, like some kind of unconscionable prick.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

You're supposed to lick it. That's it. No… no… NO… not like that. NOT LIKE THAT! That was really sore. No, that's it, I'm going home.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It's not you, it's me. We want different things. I'll always value your friendship. We've grown apart. It's just… look, your best friend is stacked like a Pringles tube made of hot beef, okay?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)