Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Smiles all round this week when you discover Kirstie Allsopp actually lives in a converted broom cupboard stuffed full of empty chip wrappers.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
To save you a lot of time and energy, the people in M Night Shyamalan's The Village are actually living in a commune cut off from the 20th century and the monsters are just village elders dressed up to scare everyone. It's an allegory. And it's shit.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Spent the last two weeks sitting in a dimly lit room with your hand down the front of your jogging trousers moronically clicking through Chatroulette in the hope that some young lady will be demented enough to show you her lower regions? Thought I recognised you.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Actions speak louder than words so why not respond to the simplest of requests from your partner by rolling your eyes, heaving an enormous sigh and storming out of the house?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Saturn asks if you can sign for his latest consignment of fertiliser as he's off to Pakistan on business. He's going to have some very impressive carrots this year.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Treat yourself to a plastic bottle filled with £3.40 worth of poisonous chemicals and advertised by a witless Geordie with a conviction for causing actual bodily harm. Because you're worth it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your neighbour comes home from work this week to find that passive-aggressive little note he taped to your car has been reproduced on the side of an 18-wheel lorry and driven through his front window.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I bet you're wondering how I knew? About your plans to make me blue? With some other guy you knew before? Well, the pornographic photos on your Blackberry were an excellent jumping off point.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Get up offa that thing and shake 'till you feel better, get up offa that thing and try to release the pressure. And if that doesn't work you will eventually have to go to accident and emergency. Tell them you fell on it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your life in a beautiful seaside town where it's always sunny begins to fragment when, one day, what is obviously a television studio spotlight falls out of the sky. You become gradually more paranoid until you heroically overcome your fear of water and attempt to escape in a small sailing boat. Despite a co-ordinated attempt to murder you, you eventually bump up against the wall of the giant studio you have been living in and then some prick in a beret tells you that you're the star of a reality television show and have been held captive your entire life by some massive corporation. As you ascend the steps and open the door to the outside world for the first time, all you can think is 'I'll be really interested to find out why these fuckers aren't in jail'.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Another weekend of chilled Chardonnay, heaps of chocolate, facial mud packs and a CD of the songs from Glee sees your father kicking you out of the house and tearfully wishing you were a girl.