Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Swirl briskly to release the aroma, tilt the glass 45 degrees to examine the concentration in the meniscus and remember to breathe air through the wine while tasting. Then chuck a brick behind the bar, grab as many bags of crisps as you can and run like fuck.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This week you will suggest an insurance scheme for dogs and then abandon it four days later because you're an over-rated arsewit who has no business running the Home Office.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Don't just sit here reading this. Every sports website in Britain has to have your opinion on David Beckham's injury without delay. And don't forget: punctuation, lower case letters and grammar are for gayboys.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Who says you can't change your minutes and texts whenever you feel like it? Well, actually it was your mobile phone company when they sent you that piece-of-shit handset and signed you up to an unbreakable two year contract.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Jupiter is worried that you're looking a bit run down and that maybe you should get a few early nights this week as it will not only help you feel better but that maybe you'll actually be here at 9am for a change. Oh Jupiter, you fat, bitter, probably-a-lesbian sow.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Any lingering doubts about what you've become evaporate this week as you find yourself departing from the recipe and adding two quite separate varieties of bean to a rustic Provencal stew. Bienvenu a Ponceville.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
There's never a good time to tell your wife that the magic has gone from your relationship and somehow migrated to betwixt the irresistible thighs of your 19-year-old admin. But 13 hours into childbirth is probably not one of them.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You know that little peel-back flap in the corner of a packet of ham? Why doesn't it work?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Crippled by jealousy over the immense natural talent of your vulgar and irreverent young rival, you devise a scheme to thwart his career thus driving him into a desperate, dissolute lifestyle before dressing up as his dead father and commissioning a requiem mass that, while being his towering artistic achievement, will also lead to his ultimate destruction. You're right, it is a bit like East 17 versus Take That.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Time for a celebration this week as you complete two full years of being on hold to the IT desk about resetting your bastarding password.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Can't sleep, bed's on fire. Don't touch me, I'm a real live wire. Richard Madeley, qu'est que c'est? Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa…