Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This week you are invited to a remote island 120 miles off the coast of Costa Rica by an eccentric billionaire who wants to show you his theme park full of massive killer dinosaurs. Tell him your gran's just died.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You're viewed as a dangerous progressive in your local church after claiming that homosexuality is merely a form of madness treatable with electro-shock therapy.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Jupiter is reviewing your recent work difficulties to make sure it's not a training and development issue as he desperately wants to fire you so hard your desk will travel backwards in time.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you get your own cooking show on the BBC. And why not? Every other fucker's got one.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Belkin is dead, the phone is a hot connection and everyone from here to Prague has been compromised. Eat all the paper in your bedsit and hide in the swing park.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The celebration for your 20 years of loyal service ends disappointingly as your boss unveils a cake with the words 'Fuck You' written in Smarties.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
That's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, I really love those tiger feet as according to my friend Ping, they make an excellent aphrodisiac and can cure liver disease.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A breakthrough this week as you realise that the strange, keening noise you've been hearing in your flat for the last six months is actually your own involuntary whimper of existential despair. So that's a relief.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Be aware that harmless workplace flirting can easily veer into sexual harassment, especially if you're pointing at your own groin and throwing a fistful of tenners into her horrified face.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you cause something of a stir by qualifying for the final of the Miss England contest despite being a huge, bearded Afghan wrestler called Mustapha.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
According to my charts, it would appear that you're Satan. How may I serve thee, o majestic emperor of blood?