Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This week you return to front-line politics with a keynote speech that everyone outside the room you were actually giving it in reckons must have been some kind of sick fucking joke. Go back to your sleazy money and your pathetically middle-class wife.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Why not try and get to know your neighbours better by sniffily inspecting the contents of their recycling bin and sneering at their inferior choice of Cabernet?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Big iron horse with voice of thunder loses way on silver track as many leaves fall. Heap big delays on London-Stevenage line this week.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your morning yoga ritual of salutations to the sun and deep breathing exercises gives you the perfect, calming start to a hard day torturing prisoners in a Chinese internment camp.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
An ancient manuscript found in Bath Abbey shows that you are actually the true heir to the lost throne of France. Six hairy Parisians will be round to lop your head off Tuesday week.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Why do you build me up, buttercup baby, just to let me down? No, seriously, why the fuck would you do something like that?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Why not spearhead your campaign to become leader of one of the most powerful countries on the planet by commissioning posters of your rival with the slogan 'Piss-plop poo-head' on them?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Another job interview this week and the comment 'My main fault is that I'm a perfectionist' is starting to look a little weak as you turn up two hours late, wearing your pyjamas and with a straggle of horribly stained toilet paper hanging over the waistband.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Tragedy this week as that ball of rubber bands you've been building since you were six rolls under an articulated lorry. You'll never find another friend quite like Bouncy.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You've launched a petition, contacted your local MP and made last ditch appeals to the House of Lords and the European Court of Human Rights but it seems nothing can now stop your local from replacing the Only Fools & Horses fruit machine.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week's horoscope was brought you by the numbers '6' and '9' and the phrase 'ride me like an angry bull'.