Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Since your wife read 50 Shades Of Grey your love life has really changed – her saucy text messages have become grammatically all over the place.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Disappointment at Legoland after a member of staff points out that despite their slogan ‘There’s something for everyone’ it doesn’t include a ‘whiskey and strippers’ zone.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A roadside advert shows you’ve missed yet another gig from the popular band Fatal Collision.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A performance by the magician Dynamo is interrupted when you stop pedalling halfway through.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After that ‘gold’ necklace turns your girlfriend’s neck green, apparently singing that Diana Ross / Bee Gees song ‘isn’t helping’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No, the O2 network is back up. You just have no friends.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Marvel rejects your idea that they reboot The Hulk set in Carlisle, but where boredom rather than anger sets him off.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
How about getting the hashtag #theoneandonlylifeyoulleverhave trending?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Sex is also the most fun you can have with your clothes on, so long as you hack a hole in the groin area with a pair of scissors. Nobody likes a crotchless clown outfit, though.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
What is so fascinating about your complete and utter self-absorption is how it takes you all day to obsess over a personality that could be covered in three minutes, tops. Don’t you get bored?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
All your married friends are so envious about your bachelor lifestyle, not realising the word largely relates to the amount of Cup-A-Soups you drink.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A bold new frontier in your pissy, pain in the arse food fads this week as your wheat allergy is joined by a chaff allergy.