Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You have a confusing several seconds watching two people mime a game of tennis this week before you realise it’s actually the badminton.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you will resign from your job as you admit to finding it impossible to juggle your duties as an MP with being a dangerously ill-informed gobshite.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After listening to the music used in the Olympics coverage, you go into your band’s next rehearsal with a newly-written song called A Creditable Finish Just Outside The Medal Placings.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If you knock that wall down, it will give the whole place a really open feel and make it a more enjoyable place for entertaining guests. I’m sure Hadrian won’t even notice it’s gone.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Matching the perfect wine to go with a meal is always a challenge but mixing a really good speedball of heroin and cocaine to go with a bag of Twiglets is an art form.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s charity bake sale day again in work, so you’re busy in the kitchen whipping up a batch of special sticky ‘man icing’ to put on your boss’s cake.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A startling discovery this week that the Curiosity Mars rover is named after a 90s pop act, and was nearly called the Fine Young Cannibals Mars Rover.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s always been your fantasy to bring back together the cast of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, but you may have to make do with a different registered sex offender, cocaine-addicted wife beater and guy who killed two people in his car.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Money’s Too Tight (to Mention), which kind of renders this song redundant.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Why not treat yourself to a trip abroad and while you’re at it, why not treat everybody else by never, ever coming back?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Tonight you accidentally turn over to ITV and find that it’s David Dickinson and Lorraine Kelly in a TV studio having a fag and watching the Olympics.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
It’s only after looking at your friends’ photos and asking when they became fans of sumo wrestling that you remember they had a baby three months ago.