Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No word from the BBC about the pitch for your new show The Great British Wank Off. Maybe the title was a little on the nose?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You haven’t followed the classic recipe for your Rum Baba dessert, having chosen to totally abandon the cake element and replace the rum with window cleaning fluid.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you rejoice at reports that BMW dealers did not give free cars to female rowers. Not for any sexist reasons, just because it will mean less fucking BMW drivers on the road.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If you want to avoid being the victim of posh-bashing you may wish to avoid flouncing about the place wearing tweed, doing a ponce’s job and having a name that sounds like ‘cummerbund’.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week there’s a party in your pants, but unfortunately it’s Plaid Cymru and your bollocks are used to write out a referendum on regeneration programs for small mining communities.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can tell a lot about a person from their outfit, and you are clearly someone who likes to rifle through the bags outside Oxfam before the staff turn up.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You still hang on to your dream of retiring to a remote cottage in the country, as living in a tower block makes it hard to continue your sexual relationship with a horse.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Loneliness kicks in this week with the realisation that even your imaginary friend lives half an hour away.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
In an attempt to keep the optimism and national pride caused by the Olympics, you misjudge the mood of your office completely by suggesting a whip-round for an expeditionary force to re-occupy India for the Queen.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This Friday, you settle down to watch The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel with your other half to make sure neither of you back out of that suicide pact.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
In support of the Russian band Pussy Riot, you decide to form your own band called Cock Public Disorder.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Hello. This is a message about your bank account. You may have been mis-sold protection insurance on loan and if so, we would like to mis-sell you some more shit you don’t need but are obviously too stupid to realise.