Your astrological week ahead with Psychic Bob
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Go to Morocco. There you will meet a man named Hassan who will ask whether you enjoy the works of Proust. He will drive you to the foothills of the Q’altar mountains. At the summit is a man that, legend has it, knows how to stop Windows downloading updates.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Oscar nominations are never going to sell a film to you until the Academy enter the 21st Century and create an award for ‘Best Topless Car Chase.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you’re getting funny looks while playing frisbee with your dog in the park, remember that you don’t both have to catch it with your mouth.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Sort of like Justin Lee Collins reading American Psycho on Jackanory.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a child, you couldn’t get enough of Bedknobs & Broomsticks. Of course, these days it’s all anal love beads. And still, to be fair, bedknobs.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’re pretty sure you’ve seen Inception, Jacob’s Ladder and Memento but there’s always the chance you’ve…oh, you get the idea.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
No, I’m sure that was one of JLS that took you around the back of Argos the other night and cut your evening short because he had to catch the last bus home. Just like that time half of The Wanted took you into the bogs in Nandos.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
That sudden hush when you walk into the room at work isn’t respect, it’s because your staff are breathing through their mouths to avoid the smell. Worked out why they call you ‘The Big Cheese’ yet?
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If you’re writing the poster for a West End show this week, when using the phrase “Beg, steal or borrow a ticket”, why not add the word ‘buy’ into the sentence?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Looking down into the toilet bowl, you see a stool in the perfectly-formed shape of Gillian McKeith. You’re positive this means something but you’re not entirely sure what.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Two weeks with nothing but the azure blue sky, the gently lapping waves and the burnished copper sun for company. Surely somebody will have noticed that the boat sank by now?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Press Alt, Ctrl, Tab, Enter and Esc at the same time – something rather amazing happens. You realise how astoundingly gullible you are. Go on – microwave your phone, it’ll be awesome, I promise.
