Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you will be made illegal in every country in the world except Wales.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week criticise some journalists for exposing bribery and corruption because it might damage your chances of going to see a football match in eight years time.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
With your surfboard, Jack Johnson album, goatee beard and tousled hair you’re the epitome of laid-back beach bum cool. Which is why I’m gagging to shoot you through the cheek with a harpoon.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You come to appreciate the cutting edge technology of HDTV this week when the previously-grainy face in the background of your favourite bukkake DVD turns out to be your dad.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your future is written in the stars, so you may as well lounge on your couch, tugging at your nutsack while they sort it out amongst themselves.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’re placed on the shortlist for the next series of Dating In The Dark after telling producers you have the most powerful infra-red goggles available on the market and the ability to tell women’s fortunes by cupping their tits.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You go, girlfriend. No, really. Piss off.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If you’re struggling for inspiration for your new sketch show, why not pick half a dozen needless attacks on the mentally-ill and repeat them constantly for the next six weeks? That ought to do the trick.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Landing on the forest moon of Endor, during your mission to blow-up the replacement Death Star, you stumble across a friendly race of small, fat, furry creatures. So that’s dinner sorted.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week, when someone releases some documents showing what a stupid, worthless sack of shit you really are, accuse them of terrorism and rape. Because that’s the kind of person you are.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
If it were done when ’tis done, then ’twere well it were done quickly. ‘Twere well’? What sort of phrase is ‘Twere well’? Best writer ever, my giddy arse.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No matter what they take from me, they can’t take away my dignity. Fuckers have repossessed my couch, mind.