Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you will try to enter America’s Next Top Model. She will kick you in the nuts.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your job application for Empire magazine is turned down after you send an essay arguing that Shark Night 3D has loads more sharks than Jaws and an extra dimension, so it must be a better film.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your attempt to recreate Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” video by getting the bird that changes the barrels in your local to wriggle over the bonnet of your Vauxhall Corsa ends badly as she completely frigs up your suspension.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Christie’s have returned your call. The release of FIFA 12 does not make your copy of FIFA 11 an antique.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Yes, I’m sure your insurance company will find nothing suspicious in your claim that your iPhone fell down a crevasse two minutes after the new iPhone is released. Despite the fact you live in Lincolnshire.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Always willing to take things too far, you arrive at this week’s team-building paintball session by helicopter, crop-spraying the entire area with paint, blasting Wagner out of some huge speakers and shouting that you love the smell of improved interpersonal dynamics in the morning.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
So far today you’ve got up, got down, got up offa that thing, got to it and got a brand new bag. You now realise why James Brown looked so knackered all the time.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
‘Movember’ is coming up soon and it’s a great thing to do to raise money for charity. Maybe you can add a competitive element to it by seeing if you can grow a bushier one than your husband?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week Martin Luther King will reserve you a place in heaven after you click ‘like’ on a Facebook post criticising Jim Davidson.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
With the last lazy rays of an autumn sunset burnishing the copper-golden canopy of trees overhanging a languid, strolling river, the whole of nature seems to hold its breath as a single coot calls across the slowly undulating water. Anyway, this toxic waste isn’t going to dump itself, is it? Chop-chop.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
One of the early warning signs of a soldier suffering from post traumatic stress disorder is him running toward you screaming, naked and brandishing a dismembered arm.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week, why not allay fears that you’ve compromised your country’s security by saying your flatmate is a bloody nice bloke and would never sell dangerous secrets to the Chinese?