Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week why not conduct a major survey where you somehow forget to ask a lot of rioters why they are such arseholes?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
People have different learning styles – visual, auditory, kinaesthetic – and yours is usually having something slowly shouted at you about thirty times.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week will mostly be spent arguing with Odeon Cinemas about whether a film having Jude Law in it is sufficient to ask for both a refund and damages.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you. Like make a Christmas advert that makes you want to kick your own liver out of the top of your head.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You can take a girl out of the North, but not the North out of the girl. Although why you’d bother to go anywhere near her, god only knows.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, your work-life balance is made extremely confusing when you’re fired then killed by a bus.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As the houses of Leo and Cancer converge this week, I have some bad news about your cat.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No word yet from Nintendo about your men’s version of ‘Just Dance’ which shows the silhouette of a bloke leaning against a bar nodding his head to some Thin Lizzy.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
As a young single man, nobody should judge you if you choose to live a life of no-strings sexual encounters, all-night partying and lying through your teeth about doing the first two.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A busy time at the Jehova’s Witness centre recently as the new BBC festive ident has put people off having anything to do with Christmas ever again.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Whenever you feel alone, remember that your grandparents are looking down from above, willing you on and maybe wishing you would let them out of the attic.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
These days, non-alcoholic beers can often taste just as good as real ones, although you will have to find another excuse for soiling yourself at your desk. IBS?
