Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’re incapable of reading a question without answering it aloud, stopping you using Facebook in public as the “What’s on your mind?” message always prompts you to blurt out unspeakable acts involving Scarlett Johannsson’s underwear.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
In a bid to avoid the trailers for Prometheus you’ve avoided television and the internet for months, with the unfortunate side-effect that you’re no longer thick enough to want to see something as awful-looking as Prometheus.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, Leo behaves reprehensibly in his private life but gets away with it because he does a lot of work for charity. Yes, just like him off the telly.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Most colleagues are happy to idly comment that the coffee from the coffee machine tastes like mud but unlike you, they don’t bother to organise a blindfold taste test.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
An amazing achievement this week as One Tree Hill finishes its nine year, 187-episode run without anybody you’ve ever met ever having watched a single minute of it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Listening to Raspberry Beret, the lyrics make you ponder what Prince would actually be like working in a five-and-dime store. You conclude he was probably fired for repeatedly licking the pricing gun and dry-humping the till.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Oops, an error has occurred. Involving your new car. Yeah, sorry about that.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your jealousy for a fellow writer finally motivates you to knuckle down to some writing of your own, specifically posting negative Amazon reviews of his work involving the phrase ‘cat molester’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Liven up a visit to Tesco by wearing a blue tabard, bringing an office chair and sitting by a self-service till pretending to be a member of staff.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Decades of self-loathing have come to an end thanks to an increase in the minimum price per unit of alcohol.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ve got the drive, the desire and the tenacity to be whatever you want to be. The only thing holding you back is your ten-year prison sentence for what you did during that last cocaine blackout.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If I only could, I’d make a deal with God and I’d get him to swap our places. So you can do some washing up for a fucking change.