Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Get your Victoria Derbyshire name by combining your favourite Spice Girl and English county. Yours is Scary Rutland.
After taking the “Which Character From Krapp’s Last Tape Are You?” quiz, you discover you’re Krapp.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Despite boasting exhaustive selection of products, FunkyPigeon.com don’t appear to have a ‘Make another one of those twatting adverts and I’ll hunt you down like a war criminal’ card.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Two weeks of going to the gym has really made a difference. You never used to cry when putting your coat on.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember, there are some things you should never write for yourself and those are Valentine’s cards, work references and your own nickname. Suicide notes? Absolutely fine.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As the ninth son of a ninth son of a ninth son, you were always destined to be a fireman.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After reading news stories about floods stopping burials taking place and the rising use of food banks, you contact Tory central office with a bold new scheme.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Actors get Oscar nominations for portraying people with an illness but all you got for that month off work with a ‘bad back’ is your P45.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Simply scratch off this horoscope to reveal the prize underneath. Please be aware there’s a strong possibility it could be a back-to-front horoscope.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After no alcohol in January and no carbs in February, you’re planning on ‘no feeling like kicking everybody’s head in’ for March.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
As the doctor takes your temperature this week, Mercury enters Uranus.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Now wash your hands.