the dailymash

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I dream of where I don't have to put up with my pig-fucking, redneck aunt and uncle and the old bitch that's trying to kill my dog.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Man cannot live by bread alone, unless Man has been locked in the Hovis factory during a bakers' strike. In which case he can live by bread alone but at least he has a choice of wholemeal, white and best-of-both ranges, including rolls with the bits in.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Remember, you can always ask a policeman. Though it is traditional to ask him for directions, rather than the length and girth of his John Thomas.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to sponsor you to run the marathon while dressed as the candlestick from Beauty and the Beast, but how's about £20 to drink this mug full of Tippex?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Drawing upon your religious faith to name your children is a rare and admirable thing these days. And Sodom and Gomorrah are lovely names. Especially for girls.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The 1982 Petrus is drinking very nicely right now. So no need to keep topping it up with Diet Fanta.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It's always bit awkward being introduced to someone's new born baby. Try belching right in its face.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Woke up this morning feeling fine, I've got something special on my mind, last night I met a new girl in the neighbourhood, something tells me she's not really 19.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Despite what the Necromicon said, bathing in virgin's blood has not granted you eternal youth, but you do smell like a black pudding. Yummy.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A time for making new friends this week as France gets in touch to congratulate you on the sterling way you dealt with that flotilla of aid workers.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your OCD has reached such crippling levels that you have to flick every light switch 200 times before leaving work. Maybe time to hand in your notice at B&Q.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
This week you will be whisked away on a five-star, round the world trip by an uncomplicated, nymphomaniac millionairess with absolutely stunning, 100% natural breasts. Can I have my money now?