How to become a moronic but very rich social media ‘star’

BEING a moron is no barrier to becoming a millionaire YouTuber. Read our guide to find out how it’s done.

Remember, nothing is too shit for YouTube. Videos should be completely inane with no obvious entertainment value, such as you rambling for 30 minutes about toasted cheese sandwiches.

Flog any crap. Weirdly, YouTubers can get a huge following just by talking about boring product samples. Watch those ‘likes’ soar as you drone on about Kiwi shoe polish for an hour.

Invent a gimmick that fuckwits will find hilarious. This should be contrived and horribly unfunny, such as wearing a hat on your shoulder.

Be phenomenally thick. A great way to drive traffic is to say stupid things then get millions of hits as people rush to tell you what a dense prick you are. Try stuff like, “Seriously guys, how do we know the Holocaust happened? Any way to find out?”

Get idiotic hair. You’ll look like a knob but that’s what you are now.

Issue a clueless apology after fucking up. For example, “I am sorry to have offended women by calling them ‘dickless freaks’. After a lot of deep thinking I am going on a two-day course on not being a prick, from which I expect to emerge fully transformed.”