Her entire fruitloop family is on my case

13-06-13

Dear Holly,

My pregnant fiancée’s just heard a rumour that I’ve been a bit naughty behind her back. Now her entire fruitloop family is on my case. What can I do to stop her going batshit?

Kanye West

Los Angeles

holly2111111Dear Kanye,

As Dostoevsky wrote, ‘don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time’. Saying that, the chances are you’ll get off fairly lightly, that’s what it’s like at my school anyway. Thousands of years ago, when my granny was a girl, you got twenty lashes and a week in the chokey for an errant apostrophe; nowadays, you pretty much have to burn the school down just to get a detention. However, if the evil Michael Gove gets his way we’ll all be back to the dark ages: teachers will regain their former pugilistic powers, no-one will be safe from flying board erasers and boxed-ears and misbehaviour will be forced underground again. In the meantime, try writing ‘I must not refer to women  as bitches or hoes’ one hundred times in your exercise book- that might help a little bit.

Hope that helps!

Holly

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