Why I’m treating Brexit as if it were an allotment border dispute, by Jeremy Corbyn

WHILST other people at least try to sort out this absolute shit show, I’m going to hide in my shed and busy myself with my seed library.

Jacob Rees-Mogg is the type of man who would concrete over the whole allotment and build a block of luxury flats in its place, but at least he’s got an opinion.

David Miliband is the part-timer who abandons his plot for years, returns when it’s a jungle of nettles, makes a fuss about sorting it all out and then buggers off again when he realises how much work it’ll be.

Boris Johnson would turn up in a big bluster to insist he knows exactly where the border should be, but then get bored and piss on someone’s cabbages for a laugh.

Theresa May is the chair of the allotment committee who is trying so hard to please everyone that she’s on the verge of cracking and running amok with the weed killer.

Every so often I’ll come out of my shed and tell them they’re wrong, but refuse to offer any alternatives. But if anyone wants to know about ethical slug traps made from old plant pots, give me a shout.