Health

Fitness 'a nightmare that never ends'

IF you want to be fit you have to keep doing exercise forever, it has emerged.

Aortic aneurysms caused by movement of Saturn, admits NHS

THE NHS has admitted some forms of heart disease are caused by the alignment of planets in the outer solar system.

Use Jaffa Cakes instead of tampons, says Osborne

THE government has urged women to save money on sanitary products by using Jaffa Cakes.

Skunk smokers secretly want something weaker

PEOPLE who claim to enjoy skunk would secretly like some normal weed that doesn’t make them feel as weird.

Non-smokers’ lungs look disgusting too

LUNGS look horrible regardless of whether their owner smokes, it has emerged.

Millions of Britons making extra money as mucus factories

ACROSS the UK, millions of people are earning second incomes by turning their bodies into 24-hour mucus production facilities.

Minimalist cigarette packets make smoking cool again

THE government's contemporary plain packaging for cigarettes has made them desirable once again.

Colds and flu not even vaguely similar

PEOPLE with colds who claim to have the flu have been reminded that the two things are entirely f*cking different.