Health

Minimalist cigarette packets make smoking cool again

THE government's contemporary plain packaging for cigarettes has made them desirable once again.

Colds and flu not even vaguely similar

PEOPLE with colds who claim to have the flu have been reminded that the two things are entirely f*cking different.

Dieter has already lost one and a half friends since start of January

A WOMAN who has embarked on a new diet is already seeing her social engagements dramatically slimmed down.

Boyfriend gets massage right by total accident

A MAN has given his girlfriend a satisfactory massage completely by chance.

Human suffering not profitable enough

THE operator of Britain’s only privately-run NHS hospital has admitted that it is struggling to make enough money out of human misery.

Binge-watchers limited to 21 units of US drama a week

DOCTORS advising against binge-watching high-quality US dramas have introduced a limit of 21 units a week, or 18 for women.

A&E waiting times would improve if you weren’t such idiots, say experts

ACCIDENT and emergency waiting times have worsened because Britain is so full of cretins, experts have confirmed.

Non-alcoholics enjoying pretend battle with drink

'TAKING a month off' is allowing moderate drinkers to experience a thrilling pretend struggle with alcohol, it has emerged.