Health
Two Scottish People Feeling A Bit Run Down
THE government has raised its virus alert level to 'pantastic' after it was confirmed that two people in Scotland were hovering close to feeling slightly unwell.
Don't Panic But You Are Going To Die
PEOPLE across the world have been urged not to panic as experts warned that most of you would be dead by the end of this sentence.
NHS To Fund Paddy Field Birthing Pools
THE National Health service is to step-up its drive to encourage home births with the introduction of more than 300 Vietnam-style delivery ponds.
Jodie Marsh, Women Warned
AS the rate of skin cancer increases amongst young women, doctors have called for a nationwide information campaign starring creosoted glamour model Jodie Marsh.
Depressed Welsh Patients Prescribed Severn Bridge
DOCTORS in Wales are being urged to treat depression with a strong dose of the Severn Bridge.
Therapists Offer To Reduce Gayness To Weekends Only
MOST therapists claim they can help homosexuals to restrict their gayness to weekends only, according to new research.
Smokers To Be Offered Ice Lollies And Cartoons
SMOKERS who quit the habit will be rewarded with ice lollies, extra cartoons and may even be allowed to stay up after 9pm.
Put A Bible Over Your Penis, Says Pope
POPE Benedict last night claimed that placing a bible over an erect penis before intercourse is the only guaranteed way to prevent the spread of Aids.