PARENTS of tragic teenager Nikki Hollis have called on party hat manufacturers to stop their evil trade.
YOU shall not banish me with your so-called remedies, says your hangover.
AMERICA has begun rolling out a clothes ban in a bid to tackle over-eating.
SLEEPING solidly for around 100 days is the key to feeling on top, according to ursine sleep experts.
IN a bid to encourage exercise, calorific food must now be sold in packaging that weighs at least 30kg.
WITH death rates at their lowest ever level, the government is encouraging you to die.
FOR Christ's sake stop touching each other with your filthy hands, experts have warned.