Tiresome health fanatics pretending they need to lose weight

FITNESS obsessives across the UK are claiming they need to lose weight after Christmas, it has emerged.

Coughing during sex is fine, claim smokers

PAUSING during sex to have a lengthy coughing fit is fine, according to smokers.

Britain declares itself finally ready for epic festival of self-indulgence

THE UK has declared itself just about ready to eat and drink everything it wants while awarding itself expensive gifts.

Have-a-go hero brings down obese woman in Greggs

A MAN who rugby-tackled an obese woman just as she was reaching the counter of Greggs has been hailed as a hero.

Mums’ arms dangerously overloaded with Pandora bracelets

AN EPIDEMIC of Pandora bracelets is pushing women’s arms to breaking point, doctors have warned.

Man pretending exercise regime not about getting laid

A MAN is claiming that his exercise regime is about something other than sex.

Cameron to tackle obesity with wartime rationing

DAVID Cameron has insisted Britain’s latest war can be used to tackle the country’s weight problem.

Brain damage is absolutely the point, explain cannabis users

CANNABIS users have explained the brain damage they suffer is the only thing that gets them through the same episode of Friends for the 12th time.