Health

Rosé banned for the next seven months

THE comsumption of rosé has been banned for the next seven months, pending a review at Easter.

We can add water to wine but we don't, say middle class drinkers

IF our wine needs some water in it then we know where the water is, middle class drinkers have confirmed.

Camping for a week resets body clock to half-past insane

SPENDING a week in a tent is long enough for you to believe that it was actually a good idea in the first place.

111 rescued by nosy interfering old women

THE NHS's non-emergency helpline is to be staffed by overly-inquistive old women.

Capacity for beer still main source of pride

MOST Britons consider drinking a lot of beer to be their greatest achievement.

Cigarette packets 'more addictive than nicotine'

COLOURFUL cigarette packets are more addictive than their contents, experts have warned.

Whiplash test to involve removal of telly and crisps

ANYONE claiming to have whiplash will be denied telly and crisps for a week, as a test of their integrity.