Woman surprised to still be overweight despite having running app

DOWNLOADING an exercise app is not the same as actually doing exercise, it has been confirmed.

Mars bars recalled because they help you do f**k all

MARS bars have been recalled across Europe following the discovery they help consumers to do nothing except become fatter.

Britain finds curved croissants sexually confusing

THE UK has admitted that it finds curved croissants too sexually ambiguous to eat.  

Massive sickly drink with shitloads of marshmallows found to contain sugar

THOSE incredibly sickly drinks you like have sugar in them, it has emerged.

Highlight of non-drinker’s life is soup

A NON-DRINKER’S most enjoyable sensory experience is a bowl of soup, he has revealed.

Cancer drug breakthrough prompts man to get back on the fags

NEWS of a breakthrough cancer treatment has prompted a man to light his first cigarette of the year.

Pegida also the name of a sexually transmitted disease

ANTI-ISLAM group Pegida shares its name with a type of nasty groin rash, it has emerged.

Drink-Uber limit lowered

THE legal blood-alcohol level for Uber users has been lowered after serious damage to passenger ratings.