Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) And when you get that feeling, you want sexual healing. 'That feeling' being a burning sensation when you urinate.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) An unfamiliar situation in work today as a colleague you actually like is leaving and you’ve no idea how much to put into their collection.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) A journey home to see all your family is made a lot more relaxing this week when you cancel your train tickets and don't go.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) A shaky start to your summer holiday this weekend when Kate Moss, Ian Brown and Peter Buck board the row in front of you.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) On Friday you will smear pudding on Nicole Scherzinger's face and rather than laugh, she'll go f**king spare.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Trouble at work this week, when the search for a missing stapler uncovers your life-sized Gregg Wallace doll made of Post It notes.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) You're a big fan of steampunk, as it's much more healthy than fried punk.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Having not shaved for a week you realise your beard actually looks quite distinguished. Now to find some earrings to go with it.