Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) Why not spice up things in the bedroom with a bit of role play? You can pretend you're somebody who still wants to have sex with him and he can pretend to be a blind person with no sense of smell.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) In a multiple-choice exam, if you're not sure of the answer just put 'B'. Unless they ask which was the best Mel in the Spice Girls.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) If the term 'geek' these days just means somebody with a detailed interest in something, you're a real pornography geek.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Flying over a desert island this week, you see that somebody has spelled out the name of their favourite Beatles album in pebbles on the beach.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) 1997 was a very good year for Pinot Noir – remember when you found that crate of it round the back of Threshers?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) You wake up and the smell the coffee. You live alone. WHO IS MAKING COFFEE IN YOUR KITCHEN?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Oh, sure, a rabbit's foot on a key ring is 'lucky' but a severed head worn as a pendant is 'scaring the kids'.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) This week, why not grow a stupid-shaped beard, pretend you're a street magician and convince strangers to throw their phone under a bus?