Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) That dramatic music in your head, between buying a can of beer and opening it? That's not a good sign.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) After watching BBC News 24 for three days straight you concede they're not going to report on that weird pork scratching you sent them.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Tomorrow, you borrow the Pitbull album out of the library. Just to stop anyone else doing it.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Tomorrow, somebody in the bus queue will call you an egomaniac. They won't mention your name but it will be obvious they were talking about you.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) If family values are the glue that holds society together, resentful drunken get-togethers are the Swarfega that dissolves it again.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
At the first use of the phrase 'plays to the rhythm of the samba', take the orange pill as directed. You will go to a better place.

I feel like Bruce Willis wearing a sandwich board

You don't want to be strangled to death by your big sister for cutting out some pretty shapes from her One Direction tickets.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You've been a waiter for ten years now but still no sign of all those good things.