Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) I'm too good for the likes of you. Write your own horoscope, you bellend.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) A shooting star will blaze briefly across your sign on Friday before landing on your shed, setting fire to it.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You have a crisis of faith on Sunday when you can't decide whether the face in your toast looks more like Jesus or Kenny Loggins.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) This week your discover that Monopoly money is legal tender if you are really persistent and look a bit demented.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) It occurs to you that if everybody were cremated, the zombie apocalypse would just be a really insistent sandstorm.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) This week you get six numbers in the Health Lottery and win a kidney.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Remember, bad dreams aren't real, they're just your subconscious sketching out scenarios that have every chance of occurring in the near future.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) On Tuesday you’ll be marking eight years of sobriety. It’s been spread over 25 years of piss-artistry, but still.