Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Counting to ten is a good way to calm down and may also explain, given your educational record, why you’re so angry all the time.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) You are the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s new housekeeper. Congratulations.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Spring is definitely in the air this week as you find yourself in the local park being unspeakable with a tree.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) I'm too good for the likes of you. Write your own horoscope, you bellend.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) A shooting star will blaze briefly across your sign on Friday before landing on your shed, setting fire to it.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You have a crisis of faith on Sunday when you can't decide whether the face in your toast looks more like Jesus or Kenny Loggins.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) This week your discover that Monopoly money is legal tender if you are really persistent and look a bit demented.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) It occurs to you that if everybody were cremated, the zombie apocalypse would just be a really insistent sandstorm.