Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) Waking up with a cat sat on your chest staring at you can be disconcerting enough but especially when you don't own a cat and it's a puma.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) They say that owners end up like their dog and sure enough, three years after your neighbour's dog died, so has he.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Remember, there is no such thing as a stupid question, unless it's a stupid thing, asked about a stupid subject asked by a stupid person, stupidly.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Given that the Fire Brigade puts out fires, surely the PC Brigade would put out political correctness? 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) This week you'll be unable to shake the image of Andy Burnham taking off his eyebrows at night and putting them in a little silver case.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) YOU never feel entirely comfortable leaving a music gig. It's disconcerting.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You will be left confusing after seeing a guide dog licking its balls while wearing a tabard saying 'Don't disturb me, I'm working'.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) This week, why not convince a colleague that Hanson's single MMMBop is about somebody punching a meditating Buddhist monk?