Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your television debut sees the family crowd around the TV at 3am to watch you dry hump a Nokia on Babestation.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It's called 'Avengers Assemble' presumably because 'Chronic Masturbators and Sociopaths Assemble' wouldn’t fit on the poster.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
Why not take a blurry black and white photo of your mandingo using Instagram and get the whole office to coo over it by telling them it’s an ultrasound of your firstborn kid?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week will be a series of unexpected journeys, meeting new people and facing difficult challenges. Yes, you’re going to jail.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Following the success of the Titanic anniversary voyage, you start plans on a commemorative reconstruction of Amelia Earhart’s last flight across the Pacific using a couple of box kites and a lawnmower engine.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’re right that deodorant is completely unnatural, but so is vomiting into my own hands on the top deck of an 82 bus, you malodorous git.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Few takers this week as you promise to attend regional council meetings for local businessmen in return for a Big Mac meal.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After watching the Tulisa sex video several times this week you come to the inescapable conclusion that she is obviously miming.