Horoscopes
Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your song-title based 'jape' was both childish and insensitive, but at least you didn't use Shaduppa Your Face.
Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays
many parts. Except Jeff Goldblum.
Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
As a caring individual, you always make
sure the meat you buy has come from animals that had a half-decent life
before they were hacked to bits and wrapped in plastic like a lorry
driver's last victim. Give yourself a pat on the back.
Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In eight years, Hitler managed to gain and lose an empire that
stretched the breadth of Europe, while in the same amount of time you've
just about managed to paint your bathroom. Even taking into account all
the bad Nazi stuff he's still better than you.
Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A romantic weekend away is the perfect
opportunity to pop the question your soul has demanded the answer to but
your heart has dared not ask. Just don't use the word 'dirtbox'.
Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Summer lies dead on the ground, Spring is just a distant glimmer on the
horizon and in between stretches a barren, frozen wasteland of dark
mornings and biting arctic winds that seek out life and kill it. Still,
at least there's X Factor, eh?
Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The people who say that the best form of revenge is a life well-lived
have clearly never pissed through the letterbox of a dole officer who's
turned down your sickness benefit claim.
Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Extra flavour can be achieved by placing cloves, star anise and
garlic under the skin. If they're circumcised, just swab it with Marmite.