Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) This week, you finally realise who you'd be in a zombie apocalypse, and it's third zombie from the left with pulled-off arm.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) While you'd consider yourself more a dog person than a cat person, either will do if you're hungry enough.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) You had a great Fat Tuesday yesterday. Or as you call it, Tuesday.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) You will come into money tomorrow as the trousers you buy in Oxfam have a 20p piece in the pocket.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) At school you used to say "Our Father, who fart in heaven" during the Lord's Prayer, so you kind of feel Richard Dawkins has stolen your schtick.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Japan! That's who the other baddies in World War Two were! If only you'd remembered a week ago, you would still have got nowhere on Only Connect.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) On Thursday your excitement about Making A Murderer ends when you realise it isn’t a fortnightly partwork magazine where the first issue costs just 99p.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) You woke up early today, so had time for a quick 'revenge reshuffle' before having a shower and heading to work.
- Psychic Bob: The pink Hungry Hippo is Pisces and the green one is Libra
- Psychic Bob: They secretly call you 'the goose'
- Psychic Bob: Have your first bite of mince pie before pulling a disgusted face and spitting it out
- Psychic Bob: After your biscuits are stolen you decide to burn down the building
- Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob