Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Next week you will pre-order the new iPhone. Repeat this horoscope every 12 months until you die.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) It’s a great week for you financially, because you were born with money.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) It’s a bull market, which is to say you’re the victim of people trafficking.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) After solving the mysterious labyrinth, outsmarting the cunning wizard and vanquishing the Diamond Griffin, you manage to get through to somebody in customer services at your council.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) This week, you finally realise who you'd be in a zombie apocalypse, and it's third zombie from the left with pulled-off arm.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) While you'd consider yourself more a dog person than a cat person, either will do if you're hungry enough.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) You had a great Fat Tuesday yesterday. Or as you call it, Tuesday.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) You will come into money tomorrow as the trousers you buy in Oxfam have a 20p piece in the pocket.