Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
At the first use of the phrase 'plays to the rhythm of the samba', take the orange pill as directed. You will go to a better place.

I feel like Bruce Willis wearing a sandwich board

You don't want to be strangled to death by your big sister for cutting out some pretty shapes from her One Direction tickets.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You've been a waiter for ten years now but still no sign of all those good things.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) The apocalypse doesn't sound so scary when you consider it only has four horsepower.

Your astrological week ahead, by Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) They say owners start to look like their dog and that's true in your case as it died two years ago.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You like Willem Dafoe. He's brillent.  

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) In your local hipster coffee shop 'skinny white' is the most popular coffee order and a description of the staff.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) Time to shift that winter weight, as you've been calling the bloke you started dating on New Year's Eve.