Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Tomorrow, you borrow the Pitbull album out of the library. Just to stop anyone else doing it.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Tomorrow, somebody in the bus queue will call you an egomaniac. They won't mention your name but it will be obvious they were talking about you.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) If family values are the glue that holds society together, resentful drunken get-togethers are the Swarfega that dissolves it again.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
At the first use of the phrase 'plays to the rhythm of the samba', take the orange pill as directed. You will go to a better place.

I feel like Bruce Willis wearing a sandwich board

You don't want to be strangled to death by your big sister for cutting out some pretty shapes from her One Direction tickets.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You've been a waiter for ten years now but still no sign of all those good things.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) The apocalypse doesn't sound so scary when you consider it only has four horsepower.

Your astrological week ahead, by Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) They say owners start to look like their dog and that's true in your case as it died two years ago.