Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) This week your sausage will be too tightly rolled up. Wurst furled problems.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) The longest journey starts with a single step. And a fear that you've left the heating on.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. Not you, mind. You’re a gobshite.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Your kid is the star of the school’s nativity play. Which is a step down from a shepherd, really.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Guinness loses interest in your claim that you can hold your breath for twenty minutes when you explain that’s not all in one go.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) That Mars advert where the bloke goes in goal is so unrealistic - Scott Parker in an England shirt?
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON! Then second left, follow the ring road, you can't miss it.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You’re still convinced that Carly Simon is somebody called Simon who looks a lot like somebody called Carl.