Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Disappointment on Thursday as, after months of playing Slap Bass Guitar Hero, you manage to complete level 41 and it suddenly turns really shit.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Gimme a ‘P’! Gimme a ‘s’! GImme a ‘y’! Gimme a ‘c’! Gimme a...hello? Are you still there?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Oops! Psychic Bob is over capacity. Please wait a moment and try again. Or just try living your own life, for f*ck’s sake.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Life’s too short to have regrets. Yours is, anyway.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You realise that Men In Black 3 is not only a dreadful sequel, it also describes the number American men whose bank accounts are in credit.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It's not unusual for a doctor to ask for a stool sample but it is generally considered bad form if they do it on a first date.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You've managed to ride out the recession thus far by using the simple expedient of having bugger-all money to begin with.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If I only could, I’d make a deal with God and I’d get him to swap our places. So you can do some washing up for a f**king change.