Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If I knew you were coming I’d have baked a cake. Because you’re diabetic.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The motivational sign on the wall of your gym says “Nothing is impossible” is proven wrong when you try to cancel your membership.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
It’s often comforting to think that ‘in 100 years' time none of this will matter’, but in your case we could replace ‘years’ with ‘seconds’.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You know that alcohol isn’t always the answer, unless the question is ‘Why is there no room in your fridge for a pint of milk?’

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
In support of the Russian band Pussy Riot, you decide to form your own band called Cock Public Disorder.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Money's Too Tight (to Mention), which kind of renders this song redundant.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
God gave rock & roll to you. Gave rock & roll to you. And you turned it into U2.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’re thrown out of your local beauty clinic this week for asking if they’ve got any of that awesome-sounding laser hair they’re always removing.