Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Enjoy your Easter weekend slapping chocolate out of the hands of your atheist friends and asking why they’re not at work.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Your nan fails to thank you this week for the sweater you get her with the ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ logo.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You lose finally lose several pounds this week, when you have your foot amputated.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) The death of Hugo Chavez hits you pretty hard until somebody tells you he wasn't a footballer.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) After buying a pin cushion you now have really comfortable pins.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Apparently, The Wonderstuff’s Size Of A Cow contains traces of Jethro Tull’s Heavy Horses.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Zombies, for f*ck’s sake? What are you, 12?
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) You watch Home Alone on rewind, where it’s about a family who’ll only adopt a boy once he’s proven he can knock shite out of burglars.