The Daily Mash

Rail bonuses to be replaced with knackered bus

THE £20 million bonus pool for Network Rail bosses is to be repeatedly postponed then replaced by a former school bus.

RADICAL Islamic cleric Abu Qatada is to overhaul British Islamo-fascism after being named as the country's first jihad 'tsar'.

NHS staff are to start miming what they want to do to foreign patients in a bid to save money.

THE United Nations Security Council remains deadlocked over which countries are allowed to exterminate Arab civilians.

THIS year's snow is the same as last year's, it has been confirmed.

SUPPORTERS of every other team in the country say the 3-3 match at Stamford Bridge yesterday was definitive proof of a godless universe.

THE works of Charles Dickens have nothing to offer London's 21st Century thieving underclass, say experts.

GOOGLE has kicked the Queen squarely in the teeth, it has been confirmed.

Ordinary taxpayers to get a go at being Prince Andrew

Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes

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News briefly

Billionaire ends Mormon's presidential dream by blowing a hole in the middle of his head.

Supermarket renames product after letter from skin-disease suffering customer who claims it looks more like his buttocks.

Your problems solved

Make sure you shout 'fat slag' at any lone female who passes as this will make you look dangerous and witty.

Stylish Masturbator

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Your looped 'y' indicates a flamboyant personality and the forward sloping indicates impatience. But why is it written in blood?