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UGLINESS BECOMES SOURCE OF NATIONAL PRIDE |
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13-11-09 |
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GORDON Brown has encouraged Britain to become even more physically revolting after a study showed the UK leads the world in gap-toothed, cock-eyed repugnance.
 If only there was a Nobel Prize for it
Institute director, Professor Henry Brubaker, said: 'You know when you go on holiday abroad and everyone looks amazingly beautiful, and you think maybe it's just because the sun's out and you've had a big drink with an umbrella in at 11am? It's not. We are rank."
Gordon Brown, welcomed the report insisting that while Britain may have the biggest budget deficit in the developed world and public services that would shame the Republic of Chad, there was still no-one better at scaring a horse.
He said: "It takes a special sort of integrity to proudly inhabit the murky end of the attractiveness spectrum between John Merrick and Sarah Jessica Parker.
"I myself look like a corpulent old Action Man who's melted slightly after being left in front of a radiator, and yet the wonderfully non-judgemental British people voted for me. Actually they didn't, did they? But still, y'know."
He added: "In these challenging times, the people of Britain can take solace in looking exactly as you'd expect the denizens of a small dark muddy island with a tiny gene puddle to look."
Government grants are now being awarded to encourage the moderately ugly to maximise their capacity for Jonathan King-ness .
Tom Booker, an unsightly man from Swindon, was one of the first to qualify. He said: "I'm having my already bulbous and wide-set eyes moved even further apart so that my eyeballs actually sit in my ears, while my hairline will be lowered to just below my nose. Give us a kiss."
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