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NURSING DEGREE WILL MAKE BRITISH HOSPITALS DEADLIEST IN THE WORLD, PLEDGES NHS |
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16-11-09 |
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NURSES are to undergo a rigorous three-year degree as the NHS launches a new drive to kill people more efficiently.
 British nurse must be deadly like ninja, say officials
Roy Hobbs, a plumber from Devon, was admitted to hospital in June 2007 with relatively minor injuries after crashing his van into a giant granite sarcophagus.
He said: "I knew something was wrong when the nurse was talking to me and asking questions about my injuries, but was addressing my feet.
"Then she made this puzzled sort of humming noise and left the treatment room for a while. When she came back she was carrying a large syringe and what looked like a canister of some sort.
"When I asked her what was in the syringe she just looked at me blankly and shrugged her shoulders. She told me that she needed to inject oxygen directly into my bloodstream so as to make the 'bad thing' go away. You just don't ask questions in a situation like that."
An NHS spokesman said: "By 2013 patients who are administered insane doses of oxygen or poisoned with bugs can be assured that the nursing staff will be trained to finish them off swiftly and aggressively."
The degree course will include modules on the application of animal faeces to cuts and abrasions as well as how to tell the difference between MRSA and Clostridium Difficile and exactly who to give them to.
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