[{"id":"72880","catid":29,"sectionid":1,"cat_id":29,"sec_id":1,"title":"What exactly do you mean by 'reckless'? ask bankers","introtext":"","image":"bizman.jpg","alignment":"center","caption":"","fulltext":"\n

BANKERS have attacked plans to send them to jail for being ‘reckless’, insisting that could mean anything.<\/strong><\/p>\n

As the Banking Standards Commission called for harsher penalties for financial executives, the bankers insisted recklessness was ‘entirely subjective’.<\/p>\n

Martin Bishop, from Donelly-McPartlin, said:\u00a0 “I cannot imagine the circumstances under which we would behave recklessly. Do you mean while we’re driving? Or perhaps you mean skiing without a helmet?<\/p>\n

“Are you suggesting we have been reckless in the past? I’m afraid you’re going to have to be more specific.”<\/p>\n","created":"2013-06-19 11:10:23","thumb":""},{"id":"72769","catid":29,"sectionid":1,"cat_id":29,"sec_id":1,"title":"Amazing Google office has wank shed","introtext":"GOOGLE'S incredible HQ has been revamped to include a shed where employees can masturbate.","image":"shed2501.jpg","alignment":"right","caption":" If only you'd worked harder at school\u00a0","fulltext":"

GOOGLE’S incredible HQ has been revamped to include a shed where employees can masturbate.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The internet giant has completed a revamp of its utopian EU headquarters in Dublin to include music rooms, themed kitchens and wooden outbuilding full of pornos.<\/p>\n

Google employee Tom Logan said: “It’s got every type of pornography from 19th-century nudey daguerrotypes and 80s hardcore Euro-mags to computer terminals with interactive dildos.<\/p>\n

“Also there is unlimited bog roll. And course of a fridge full of smoothies.<\/p>\n

“You’ve never seen anything like it, it’s really high-end stuff. My brother works for Microsoft and if he wants to fire one off he has to go in the disabled toilet.”<\/p>\n

A Google spokesman said: “We foster a work hard, play with yourself hard culture.<\/p>\n

“And working for Google is so amazing that most of our workforce is in a permanent state of sexual arousal.”<\/p>\n

The multi-million redesign also includes an indoor haunted forest with real ghosts and a gladiatorial arena where workers can fight to the death while drinking free smoothies.<\/p>\n","created":"2013-06-19 10:07:46","thumb":"google90.jpg"},{"id":"72768","catid":14,"sectionid":1,"cat_id":14,"sec_id":1,"title":"Key similarity between Christ and Superman is that they're both made-up, say experts","introtext":"THE stories of Christ and Superman share many elements that are completely fictional, experts have revealed.","image":"jeslep.jpg","alignment":"right","caption":" Jesus restores Jimmy Olsen's sight so he can be a photographer","fulltext":"

THE stories of Christ and Superman share many elements that are completely fictional, experts have revealed.<\/p>\n

As it emerged that Man of Steel<\/em> is being promoted specifically to US Christians to make them even more into Jesus, researchers said it could actually help them understand something about the nature of storytelling.<\/p>\n

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Both came down from the heavens and had no Earthly father. Both grew up in small communities. Both wandered in the wilderness before going to the city to begin their ‘mission’. And both performed miraculous acts. Which didn’t happen.<\/p>\n

“Because they’re both just stories. Obviously just stories. That are designed to appeal to children.<\/p>\n

“Do you want me to start again?”<\/p>\n

But Roy Hobbs, a Christian from Ohio, said: “Of course no-one believes Superman is real – at the moment.<\/p>\n

“But in 2000 years time my descendants will believe that Krypton existed and that Lois Lane came back from the dead because Superman turned back time by reversing the rotation of the Earth. Why would they question it?”<\/p>\n

Professor Brubaker added: “One of the chief arguments put forward to support the idea that Jesus was real is that there are many different versions of the same story.<\/p>\n

“The original Superman comic, the original TV series, the Christopher Reeve films, Lois and Clark<\/em>, Superman Returns<\/em>, Smallville<\/em> and Man of Steel<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

“Sorry, I got confused.”<\/p>\n","created":"2013-06-19 09:32:07","thumb":"jesus1x.jpg"},{"id":"72669","title":"Joe Kinnear wants Newcastle to play in comet formation","introtext":"NEWCASTLE United's Director of Football plans to reshape the team formation to all chasing after the ball at once.","image":"kidspark250.jpg","alignment":"right","caption":" It's all about kicking the ball","fulltext":"

NEWCASTLE United’s Director of Football plans to have the team all chasing after the ball at once.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The comet formation – so-called because players form a long tail behind the ball – was developed by Kinnear while coaching his grandson\u2019s under-six team.<\/p>\n

It abandons 4-4-2, wing-backs and offside traps in favour of running, shouting, and team-mates fighting to get a toe to the ball.<\/p>\n

Kinnear said: \u201cAs a proper football man, I know that players are motivated by goals, goal celebrations, and pretending to be Lionel Messi. This formation gives everyone a shot at all three.<\/p>\n

\u201cImagine being on the opposing team and seeing not one but nine or ten players coming at you, all shouting \u2018Mine! Mine! Mine!\u2019 Whoever we face will be terrified.\u201d<\/p>\n

The only exceptions in the 2-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation are the position of goalkeeper and goalkeeper’s mate, who lean on the post talking about girls they fancy then leap into alert positions as the ball flies past them.<\/p>\n

Other innovations include replacing half-time rehydrating glucose drinks with cherryade and Monster Munch, and a policy that if the ball owner threatens to go home then they can be team captain.<\/p>\n

Asked how he plans to compete in the transfer market, Kinnear replied: \u201cIt\u2019s not about having millions of pounds to spend, it\u2019s about being intelligent with your team selection.<\/p>\n

\u201cFor example when we play Manchester United, if Moyes decides to pick Rooney then when it\u2019s my turn I\u2019ll pick van Persie. He picks Carrick, I pick Vidic and so on, all the way down to Nani.\u201d<\/p>\n","created":"2013-06-19 09:00:05","thumb":"kidsball90.jpg"},{"id":"72659","catid":23,"sectionid":7,"cat_id":23,"sec_id":7,"title":"Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob","introtext":"Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)\r\nFindus have so far showed no interest in your bright green processed potato product called \u2018HULK SMASH\u2019.","image":"bobinside1122111.jpeg","alignment":"center","caption":"","fulltext":"

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)<\/strong>
\nThere\u2019s nothing nicer than a little nap after dinner so why not lock the flight cabin door and ignore the shouts of your passengers?<\/p>\n

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)<\/strong>
\nRemind your colleagues that if they jokingly use the phrase \u2018If I tell you that I\u2019ll have to kill you\u2019 then you\u2019ll probably wish you were dead anyway.<\/p>\n

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)<\/strong>
\nFindus have so far showed no interest in your bright green processed potato product called \u2018HULK SMASH\u2019.<\/p>\n

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)<\/strong>
\nWork brings in a motivational speaker. They tell you that you can do anything you set your mind to. You invade the stage and state the existential concept of facticity suggest otherwise. A disciplinary hearing ensues.<\/p>\n

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)<\/strong>
\nA generally-decent Friday is ruined by the memory of Jennifer Jason Leigh\u2019s accent in The Hudsucker Proxy<\/em>. It takes several views of The Big Lebowski<\/em> and Fargo<\/em> to feel better until you remember The Ladykillers<\/em> and everything\u2019s ruined again.<\/p>\n

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
\n<\/strong>Your latest boyfriend is like a movie idol from the golden age of Hollywood. Alcoholic, racist, bisexual.<\/p>\n

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)<\/strong>
\nI don\u2019t think nutritionists have done a \u2018recommended daily allowance\u2019 of honey-coated fudge pieces but I\u2019d guess under it\u2019d be under 150.<\/p>\n

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)<\/strong>
\nYou test the boundaries of the word \u2018winning\u2019 this week after \u2018winning\u2019 an eBay auction for a Paddy McGuinness DVD.<\/p>\n

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)<\/strong>
\nNo word from ITV about your idea for a logical follow-up to Britain\u2019s Got Talent<\/em> called Mexico\u2019s Got Glaciers<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)<\/strong>
\nAfter committing a terrible crime this week you now have the agonizing 50-year wait for the judicial system to punish you in a totally half-arsed manner.<\/p>\n

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)<\/strong>
\nA two-letter word repeated to indicate a string-suspended torus that can be oscillated up and down for entertainment. It\u2019s all in the game, yo.<\/p>\n

Taurus (20 APRIL \u2013 20 MAY)<\/strong>
\nPlease do not make any important life decisions if reading on Psychic Bob\u2019s Horoscopes +1.<\/p>\n","created":"2013-06-19 08:39:05","thumb":"bobthumb1111111111.jpeg"},{"id":"72661","catid":20,"sectionid":1,"cat_id":20,"sec_id":1,"title":"Flash Gordon to investigate unusual weather","introtext":"AMERICAN football player Flash Gordon is to investigate the UK\u2019s recent unusual weather.","image":"flashgordon250.jpg","alignment":"right","caption":" He's taking a massive sword just in case","fulltext":"

AMERICAN football player Flash Gordon is to investigate the UK\u2019s recent unusual weather.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The Met Office hopes to discover the cause of the unpredictable weather by sending Gordon into space with an attractive journalist and a scientist of questionable sanity.<\/p>\n

A Met Office spokesman said: \u201cSome would argue that a professional sportsman is not the obvious choice for a meteorological research project, but Michael Fish was busy doing a series for BBC2.<\/p>\n

\u201cHowever we don\u2019t feel this will be a problem, as Flash will be accompanied by the brilliant scientist Dr Hans Zarkov and journalist Dale Arden, who is extremely feisty.<\/p>\n

\u201cOur plan is to send Flash and his companions to a new planet that has just entered the solar system, Mongo, which we think may have some connection to our lousy summer weather.<\/p>\n

\u201cOnce they get there, they will just need to conduct some simple meteorological tests then come back. It should all be pretty straightforward.\u201d<\/p>\n

Gordon said: \u201cI\u2019m just glad to help. There\u2019s nothing worse than it raining during a barbeque and having to finish your sausages off under the grill.<\/p>\n

\u201cDr Zarkov says he\u2019s been picking up some strange radio transmissions, including the words \u2018dispatch war rocket Ajax\u2019 and the sound of booming laughter, but it\u2019s probably nothing.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not as though we\u2019re going to encounter some threatening but weirdly camp extraterrestrial civilization.\u201d<\/p>\n

The Met Office has predicted scattered meteorite showers at the weekend.<\/p>\n","created":"2013-06-19 08:22:11","thumb":"flashgordon90.jpg"},{"id":"72665","catid":36,"sectionid":1,"cat_id":36,"sec_id":1,"title":"God is dead, say Girl Guides","introtext":"GOD is dead and patriotism is intellectually bankrupt, the Girl Guides have announced.","image":"guidebadges-copy-2.jpg","alignment":"right","caption":" The accumulation of badges will remain incredibly important","fulltext":"

GOD is dead and patriotism is intellectually bankrupt, the Girl Guides have announced.<\/p>\n

The movement’s new oath shuns the concepts of deity and nationhood but retains a pledge of loyalty to the Queen after the monarch wrote what the Guides described as a ‘pitiful begging letter’.<\/p>\n

Conservative MP, Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, said: “They are on the road to hell. The Girl Guides have become a nihilistic, pseudo-anarchist militia, hungry for meth.”<\/p>\n

But Emma Johnson, a 13 year-old Guide from Stevenage, said: “We now worship the sacred feminine. We have no need of your crumbling deity, spouting the same old Stone Age bullshit.”<\/p>\n

Johnson also dismissed the nation state as an ‘embarrassing relic of the 20th Century’, adding: “It is simply an instrument for the conduct of capitalist, phallocentric wars.<\/p>\n

“Each Girl Guide troop is now an informal community of free individuals, searching for meaning while unencumbered by the fascistic structures of national identity.”<\/p>\n

Johnson also revealed that the Queen’s letter was ‘pathetic’.<\/p>\n

“She said that if we ditched her then her entire 60 year reign would have been an utter waste of time.<\/p>\n

‘We’ll throw her a bone, but when she’s gone we’ll probably pledge our loyalty to Sarah Lund, Annie Lennox or this one armed doll we found in a skip. It’s all just a load of piss anyway.<\/p>\n

“God is dead. Fuck Britain.”<\/p>\n","created":"2013-06-19 08:19:13","thumb":"guidebadge90.jpeg"},{"id":"72633","catid":31,"sectionid":1,"cat_id":31,"sec_id":1,"title":"Redundancy for soldiers who didn't kill anyone","introtext":"SOLDIERS who failed to meet Afghan death targets are to be sacked.","image":"apach.jpg","alignment":"right","caption":" Apaches are for closers","fulltext":"

SOLDIERS who failed to meet Afghan death targets are to be sacked.<\/p>\n

The Ministry of Defence said the armed forces will offer taxpayers better value for money if resources are focused solely on those troops who are consistently good at killing people.<\/p>\n

A spokesman said: “There is no point in buying someone a brand new gun if they keep missing.<\/p>\n

“And you would not believe the cost of an Apache helicopter. You can’t just hand them out to anyone who’s not related to the Queen.”<\/p>\n

The MoD is to introduce a commission-based pay structure with new recruits receiving no basic salary but 40% of the value of each dead Afghan.<\/p>\n

The spokesman added: “The platoon commander will also receive commission for each brown person killed by one of his troops, with the formula being continued all the way up the chain of command. In a good year a brigadier general could take home the best part of \u00a31.5m.”<\/p>\n

“These days it’s all about ‘ABC’, Always Be Closing\u2026. Afghans.<\/p>\n

“My watch cost more than your car.”<\/p>\n

Corporal Roy Hobbs said: “I had a good month in April. Booked six grand worth of Afghans and came top of my section. They gave me two free tickets to the snooker.”<\/p>\n

But former soldier Nathan Muir added: “I could have closed about 20 Afghans last month but the leads were shit. You get told to close someone but then it turns out they’re fucking miles away.<\/p>\n

“It’s all politics.”<\/p>\n","created":"2013-06-18 13:56:05","thumb":"soldier90.jpg"},{"id":"72622","catid":14,"sectionid":1,"cat_id":14,"sec_id":1,"title":"'Because I've got your iPlayer, thanks' is top TV licence excuse","introtext":"","image":"iplayer425.jpg","alignment":"center","caption":"","fulltext":"

<\/p>\n

THE most common excuse for not having a BBC TV licence is the existence of the BBC iPlayer, it has emerged.<\/strong><\/p>\n

A BBC spokesman said: “You’d be amazed at how many people refuse to pay \u00a3145 a year simply because we give all our stuff away on the internet.<\/p>\n

“It’s really annoying. Maybe we didn’t think that through.<\/p>\n

“Maybe we could make the TV licence look really cool, like a hologram of Luther<\/em> or something, so that people will want one for its decorative appeal.”<\/p>\n","created":"2013-06-18 12:30:28","thumb":"iplayer90.jpg"},{"id":"72617","catid":14,"sectionid":1,"cat_id":14,"sec_id":1,"title":"Neil Gaiman to publish book of solid financial advice","introtext":"","image":"gaiman425.jpg","alignment":"center","caption":"","fulltext":"

<\/p>\n

BEST-SELLING fantasy writer Neil Gaiman has announced his first book of sound financial advice.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Discussing Neil Gaiman’s ISAs and ISA Alternatives<\/em>\u00a0Gaiman said: “There’s more to me as a writer than dreams, myths and hallucinatory inter-dimensional journeys to gothic netherworlds.<\/p>\n

“I’m actually a lot keener on ISAs, fixed yield bonds and other comparable savings products than I am fairies. The made-up fairy books are just a way of bringing in more capital.”<\/p>\n

He added: “I got the idea for the book after reminding Tori Amos to ‘ditch and switch’ her old Lloyds account after its introductory bonus interest rate expired.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","created":"2013-06-18 11:38:55","thumb":"gaiman90.jpg"}]