SOME of the things that appear on Twitter have to be vaguely accurate, the High Court has ruled.<\/p>\n
As Speaker’s Wife Sally Bercow lost a libel case brought by Lord McAlpine, experts said users of the micro-blogging service may no longer be able to accuse whoever they feel like of being a filthy child molester.<\/p>\n
Julian Cook, professor of gossip at Roehampton University, said: “This ruling will have a chilling effect on internet free speech. Especially if you’re using free speech to do stupid, dickish things.<\/p>\n
“Most mornings I wake up filled with the desire to go online and accuse a senior Tory of fiddling with my nutsack when I was 12.<\/p>\n
“But just before I get to typing, I ask myself ‘is this actually true?’.<\/p>\n
“On every single occasion I’ve been forced to admit that it’s not even remotely true and then accept, reluctantly, that I’ll have to find something else to fill my day.”<\/p>\n
Cook stressed that Twitter users will still be able to criticise people on the basis of what they actually say and do.<\/p>\n
He added: “For example, Lord McAlpine is a Tory industrialist who is also overweight. So I could, quite reasonably, tweet something like ‘hey @lordmcalpine why do you need so much money, you fat, greedy bastard?’.<\/p>\n
“All I have to do is remember to not follow it up with, ‘you are a child molester’.”<\/p>\n
Bercow had challenged McAlpine’s claim insisting her tweet was part of a widely-recognised pattern of being an attention-seeking cretin who degrades the office of Speaker of the House of Commons almost as much as her ghastly little husband.<\/p>\n","created":"2013-05-24 11:40:57","thumb":"berc-copy.jpg"},{"id":"69953","catid":29,"sectionid":1,"cat_id":29,"sec_id":1,"title":"Everything co-workers do is annoying","introtext":"ABSOLUTELY everything your colleagues do is annoying, it has emerged.","image":"coworkers250.jpg","alignment":"right","caption":" It's the way they sit and the way they stand","fulltext":"
ABSOLUTELY everything your colleagues do is annoying, it has emerged.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Research by the Institute for Studies into workplace antagonism found that the most common cause of loathing towards colleagues was ‘every single thing they do’.<\/p>\n
Sales co-ordinator Nikki Hollis said: “With the woman I sit opposite, I thought it was how she ate her sandwich in a nibbling fashion that got on my tits the most. Then I realised it was also the way she sat, at a slight angle to the desk.<\/p>\n
“Then I decided I hated her skirt, her nose, and the way she says ‘fiddlesticks’ after incorrectly entering some data. It gradually dawned on me that I hated everything about her, like in that old song by Ugly Kid Joe.<\/p>\n
“And I feel the same about every other human in the building.”<\/p>\n
Office manager Tom Booker said: “Just look at these fuckers, don’t you just want to slap each and every one of them in turn.<\/p>\n
“Am I blaming them for the fact that I hate my job? Or do I hate my job because of them? Who cares?<\/p>\n
“I wouldn’t murder them because that’s wrong but if I could somehow magic them out of existence that would be really good.”<\/p>\n","created":"2013-05-24 11:00:13","thumb":"coworkers90.jpg"},{"id":"69904","catid":36,"sectionid":1,"cat_id":36,"sec_id":1,"title":"Men ordered to be ashamed of their bodies","introtext":"BRITISH men must attend a series of self-hate seminars to increase their body neuroses.","image":"seaman250.jpg","alignment":"right","caption":" Far from perfect","fulltext":"
BRITISH men must attend a series of self-hate seminars to increase their body neuroses.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
A survey found most men are fine with how they look, triggering concern about the economic impact of unsold cosmetics, diet products and ‘figure-flattering’ trousers.<\/p>\n
A spokesman for the government-funded National Shame Association said: “The workshops will start with a four-hour gay porn screening.<\/p>\n
“The men will be encouraged to compare their own bodies unfavourably to the performers, and then told how much surgery they will need on their buttocks, torsos and penises if they ever wish to have sex again.\u201d<\/p>\n
“Participants will then be asked to list their favourite foods, and told to draw pictures of those foods and eat them as meal substitutes.<\/p>\n
“Then after lunch we look at some pictures of Daniel Craig in magazines.”<\/p>\n
Self-hate student Norman Steele said: \u201cI was walking around in shorts and t-shirts, with no idea of how repulsive and unpalatable I was.<\/p>\n
\u201cNow I know the truth, I conduct most of my business in the shadows, outside daylight hours.<\/p>\n
“Sometimes I go swimming – I used to do this in Speedos but now I put an extra-large refuse sack over upper body.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis has increased the pool fatality rate, but I\u2019d rather someone died than saw the full horror of my physique.\u201d<\/p>\n","created":"2013-05-24 09:35:13","thumb":"seaman90.jpg"},{"id":"69895","catid":18,"sectionid":1,"cat_id":18,"sec_id":1,"title":"Rolling into a ball not as good as running like f*ck, hedgehogs told","introtext":"A SHARP decline in hedgehog numbers has been blamed on the ineffectiveness of curling into a ball when threatened.","image":"hedgehog250.jpg","alignment":"right","caption":" Now it's all fine","fulltext":"
A SHARP decline in hedgehog numbers has been blamed on the ineffectiveness of curling into a ball when threatened.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
As figures show that the hedgehog population has shrunk by a third since the millennium, the mammals were told it was time to consider the ‘running like fuck’ approach to self-preservation.<\/p>\n
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “I once made the mistake of going drinking in Newcastle wearing a proper coat and if I’d curled into a little ball instead of sprinting onto a train I’d be extinct today.<\/p>\n
“Hedgehogs seem to think vehicles are scared of very small prickly things, or that predators aren’t going to just wait it out until the little ball of food needs a slash.”<\/p>\n
Hedgehog Tom Logan said: “No, this can’t be right. If you’re curled up tight in a ball literally nothing can get you, you’re totally safe.<\/p>\n
“If a lorry tried to drive over me it would just explode, I’d be perfectly fine and scurry out of the resulting fireball like a small prickly Terminator.<\/p>\n
“Also running makes me self-conscious because of how short my legs are.”<\/p>\n
Natterjack toad Stephen Malley said: “The toad population has stabilised, that’s because we’ve started to hop the fuck away from larger carnivores instead of puffing our chests out.<\/p>\n
“You’ve got to evolve. It’s survival of the fittest out there.”<\/p>\n
Owl Emma Bradford said: “That hedgehog can curl up all he wants, I’ve got a beak.”<\/p>\n","created":"2013-05-24 08:48:19","thumb":"hedgehog901.jpg"},{"id":"69842","catid":20,"sectionid":1,"cat_id":20,"sec_id":1,"title":"Police set up fantasy avatar squad","introtext":"POLICE have set up an avatar unit to tackle crime in online role-playing games.","image":"shield250.jpg","alignment":"right","caption":" Have you seen this shield?","fulltext":"
POLICE have set up an avatar unit to tackle crime in online role-playing games.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The unit was established following an arrest for credit theft in the fantasy game\u00a0RuneScape.\u00a0It is run from a virtual police station in a ‘haunted forest’, by officers pretending to be elves.<\/p>\n
Detective inspector Tom Logan aka Vandar Woodwalker of Shantar said: \u201cInitially I thought this was a waste of time but now I’m fully immersed I can’t distinguish between fantasy crime and real crime.<\/p>\n
“What shocked me most was the casual nature of violent crime in internet role-playing games.<\/p>\n
\u201cRuneScape players think nothing of smiting each other with maces and magic warhammers.<\/p>\n
\u201cPart of our role will be to discourage battles and encourage players to pursue lawful activities such as fletching and potion-making.”<\/p>\n
One of Logan’s officers recently required counselling after being labelled a \u201cfucking noob douchebag\u201d for halting a major conflict in\u00a0World of Tanks.<\/p>\n
Officer Stephen Malley, known online as Meril the Dwarf-Trader said: “I got into this job because I wanted to be like The Sweeney<\/em>.<\/p>\n “If all this gets out I’m never getting to have sex again.”<\/p>\n The Avatar Unit is currently appealing for information on the theft of a magical shield that can turn its owner invisible.<\/p>\n","created":"2013-05-23 12:44:37","thumb":"shield90.jpg"},{"id":"69818","catid":19,"sectionid":1,"cat_id":19,"sec_id":1,"title":"Michael Bubl\u00e9 unable to do up a tie","introtext":"CANADIAN crooner Michael Bubl\u00e9 is incapable of doing up a tie.","image":"buble250.jpg","alignment":"right","caption":" Right over left...no...left over...","fulltext":" CANADIAN crooner Michael Bubl\u00e9 is incapable of doing up a tie.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The supermarket music-purchaser’s artist of choice had admitted that he is often depicted with tie undone because the knotting process befuddles him.<\/p>\n The confession came after Bubl\u00e9 was found unconscious in his dressing room, having almost strangled himself while attempting a simple Windsor knot.<\/p>\n Bubl\u00e9 said: “I was so embarrassed that at first I told police I was engaged in a solo sex game.<\/p>\n “All my life I’ve tried and failed to do up my neckwear. It’s just so confusing because when you look in the mirror right becomes left and vice versa. Or is it the other way around?<\/p>\n “At school all the kids would call me ‘messy neck’. I cried and cried, but the mental anguish drove me to become a world-famous artist.<\/p>\n “Hopefully I’m proof that being unable to properly put on a tie or bow tie doesn’t stop you achieving your dreams.”<\/p>\n Friend Stephen Malley said: \u201cEarly in his career he had a tie his mum had done for him that he loosened every night and tightened the next morning, keeping the loop intact.<\/p>\n \u201cBut since the cleaners threw that out he\u2019s desperately tried all kinds of methods, like throwing the tie in the air and running at it in the hope it will drape around his neck.\u201d<\/p>\n Bubl\u00e9 admitted the cover of his last album, which showed him trying to put a tie on, was one of approximately 16,000 such shots taken over a two-day shoot.<\/p>\n","created":"2013-05-23 10:52:31","thumb":"buble90.jpg"},{"id":"69791","catid":22,"sectionid":7,"cat_id":22,"sec_id":7,"title":"I cry myself to sleep most nights. How can I be popular again?","introtext":"Pretend your brother is joining One Direction.","image":"holly21111111.jpeg","alignment":"center","caption":"","fulltext":" Dear Holly,<\/b><\/p>\n I’m having a rough time at work these days. Everyone bitches about me behind my back and whenever I walk in the room there is a definite atmosphere. I cry myself to sleep most nights.\u00a0How can I be popular again?<\/b><\/p>\n David Cameron<\/b><\/p>\n London<\/b><\/p>\n Dear David,<\/p>\n All it takes is for you to accidentally follow through during music and movement whilst wearing pale yellow shorts, and before you know it, no-one wants to be your partner in PE and your Kermit lunch box ends up on the roof of the bike sheds. Winning back the respect of your peers is not easy. You’ll probably need to get your mum and dad to buy you an amazing bike and some designer trainers, just to stop people from drawing your head on a penis all over the blackboard every day. Also pretend that your brother is joining One Direction so they show mercy when flushing your head down the toilet. If you lie low, perhaps in several years people will desist from throwing nuggets of dried dog dirt at your head and let you live out the rest of your days with a shred of self-respect.<\/p>\n Hope that helps!<\/p>\n Holly<\/p>\n","created":"2013-05-23 10:01:13","thumb":"holly1x111.jpeg"},{"id":"69728","catid":36,"sectionid":1,"cat_id":36,"sec_id":1,"title":"Men in balaclavas offer soothing prospect of war ","introtext":"MEN wearing balaclavas have been making a dreadful situation better.","image":"edl250.jpg","alignment":"right","caption":" Fat ninjas","fulltext":" MEN wearing balaclavas have been making a dreadful situation better.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n As nearly all Britons find themselves able to carry on with the peaceful mundanity of their lives, men wearing stupid knitted masks offered Britain the prospect of civil war that it has been yearning for.<\/p>\n Balaclava fan Tom Logan said: “What this country needs now is for everyone to start lobbing petrol bombs around.<\/p>\n “Anyone who cares about England has a duty to set it on fire, or at least smash a bunch of windows.<\/p>\n “Also, stop thinking. Bypass your brain, jump to hate-filled conclusions and let rampant prejudice be your guide.”<\/p>\n Professor Henry Brubaker said: “History, and also common sense, tells us that in any situation the person whose features are disguised by a stupid hat is not the person you should listen to.<\/p>\n “In fact masks in general, whether tight-fitting on part of a white pointy hat, are a good indicator of insanity, unless it’s Halloween or you’re at an elite fictional orgy.<\/p>\n Muslim father-of-two Rafi Ahmed said: “As far as I’m aware, I’ve got no plans to bring Western civilisation to its knees.<\/p>\n “I’ll probably go to work, come home and eat my tea.”<\/p>\n","created":"2013-05-23 09:24:28","thumb":"edl-copy.jpg"},{"id":"69726","catid":31,"sectionid":1,"cat_id":31,"sec_id":1,"title":"Idea of female cub scout leader 'is doing Al Qaeda's head in'","introtext":"JIHADISTS said the idea of a woman being in charge of young males in uniform was driving them crazy.","image":"bwarm.jpg","alignment":"right","caption":" Pornographic","fulltext":" JIHADISTS said the idea of a woman being in charge of young males in uniform was driving them crazy.<\/p>\n As cub scout leader Ingrid Loyau-Kennett stood in for the police in Woolwich yesterday, militant Islamists said she was ‘probably a symbol of western depravity, or something’.<\/p>\n Ahmed Tareen, from the Peshawar branch of Al Qaeda, said: “It shows just how low your society has sunk when a woman can be cheeky to a brave jihadist in a public street and then tell young men what to do, as if they were little girls.<\/p>\n “In jihadist philosophy the woggle is a symbol of man’s dominion over woman.<\/p>\n “Then again, if your men were like this I suppose everything might be different.<\/p>\n “I don’t know. I’m really confused now.”<\/p>\n Tareen then sat under a tree for half an hour before adding: “No, I’ve thought about it, and it is clear that this woman is insolent and disgusting.<\/p>\n “And she was wearing what I think you call a ‘body-warmer’. She may as well have been naked. You live in a sewer.”<\/p>\n Tareen then paused and said: “But actually, d’you know what? I could really do with someone as calm and sensible as that in my life.<\/p>\n “It’s fucking mental here. Like, all the time.”<\/p>\n","created":"2013-05-23 09:04:47","thumb":"cub425-copy.jpg"},{"id":"69721","catid":19,"sectionid":1,"cat_id":19,"sec_id":1,"title":"George Michael 'surprisingly good at parallel parking'","introtext":"","image":"georgemichael425.jpg","alignment":"center","caption":"","fulltext":" <\/p>\n HIGHWAY Code-averse pop star George Michael is a tight, efficient parallel parker, it has emerged.<\/strong><\/p>\n The Wham! legend, who has a chequered motoring history, was seen reversing his Range Rover into a spot described by onlookers as “tighter than a cat’s arse”.<\/p>\n 27-year-old bystander Nikki Hollis said: “We were all like, ‘that’s George Michael, he’s going to fuck it up cos he’ll be off his nut on skunk!’<\/p>\n “Credit where it’s due though, he slotted in it perfectly and his tyres were like an inch from the kerb. Maybe he’s only good at driving in reverse.”<\/p>\n","created":"2013-05-22 12:28:40","thumb":"georgemichael90.jpg"}]