Swans to replace Trident

AGGRESSIVE swans like those terrorising tourists on the river Cam are to replace Britain’s nuclear arsenal.

Woman’s hair has too much attitude

A 25-YEAR-OLD woman’s punk-influenced hair has been verbally abusing her family.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Looks like summer is over. For you anyway, unless your appeal comes through.

All female characters now ludicrously hard

EVERY female character in TV and film is now exceptionally determined and hard as nails.

Foy used vanishing spray to seal off buffet

PREMIER League referee Chris Foy faces an investigation after using vanishing spray to push party guests back 10 yards.

Single people forced to join families

UNMARRIED people are to be forced into strangers' family homes as long-lost aunts or uncles, the government has announced.

Food good for you

REGULARLY eating food protects against death, it has emerged.

Rail fares to increase by two inflations and a pay rise

RAIL fares will increase by inflation times two, plus the pathetic little pay rise you are probably not going to get anyway.