Utter lunatics taking their kids to a festival

A PAIR of deranged maniacs are going to take their children to a music festival while their friends stand back and let them.

Only even numbers of fruit and vegetables are healthy, experts declare

NUTRITIONISTS have claimed eating two, four, six, or eight portions of fruit and vegetables every day is healthy, but eating one, three, five, or seven could be fatal.

Who needs Bowie when we have Ed Sheeran? asks younger generation

TEENAGERS have declared themselves privileged to live in the golden age of music represented by flame-haired genius Ed Sheeran.

Corbyn admits there are serious flaws with Britain's voters

JEREMY Corbyn had admitted that Labour’s Copeland loss means they can no longer ignore the serious flaws of Britain’s electorate.

Leicester City owners fire Ranieri, fans and surrounding conurbation

LEICESTER City’s owners have sacked title-winning manager Claudio Ranieri, the fans of the club and the city of Leicester itself.

‘Who needs MPs?’ says UKIP

UKIP have responded to the Stoke by-election defeat by saying they do not need MPs because everyone does what they want anyway.

Guardian reveals how to cook the perfect meth

THE Guardian has published a guide to cooking quick, but delicious crystal meth for a casual Friday night get-together.

Britain anxiously awaiting verdict of handful of people who can be arsed to vote

BRITAIN is waiting with bated breath for the verdict of the few people in Stoke and Copeland who can be arsed to vote, it has been confirmed.