The Daily Mash » News Briefly

Teenage girls deterred by Twilight film’s poor reviews

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 11:45:45 +0000

TEEN girls have decided against seeing The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 after reading negative reviews in broadsheets. 13-year-old Emma Bradford said: “Writing in The Guardian, Peter Bradshaw described the film as ‘a tentative whimper which turns into a conditional bang’. “Although I am an avowed Twi-hard and member of Team Edward, Bradshaw’s wry [...]

Recession ended by virgin sacrifice

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 09:58:59 +0000

THE ritual sacrifice of 23 virgins to the evil Old Gods controlling the economy has ended the UK recession. Bank of England governor Mervyn King said: “They didn’t want quantitative easing – they wanted blood. King personally slew the virgins at a ceremony in a Somerset long barrow. As the last drop of blood drained [...]

Trump offers to sleep with Obama

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 08:35:25 +0000

STAUNCH Republican Donald Trump has offered Barack Obama a night of unbridled passion, in exchange for the president's withdrawal from the US election.

Boots sandwiches to have Jamie Oliver on them because you’ll like that

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 10:00:02 +0000

BOOTS sandwiches are to carry the words ‘Jamie Oliver’ because they are fairly sure it will impress people like you. The high street chain rebrands its sandwich range every six weeks in order to continually distract people from the fact they are buying their lunch from a chemist. The latest strategy will see the popular [...]

30 years on, French teacher still hates Michael Gove’s guts

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 09:48:43 +0000

FRENCH teacher Roy Hobbs’s hatred for his former pupil Michael Gove endures to this day, it has emerged. Replying to Gove’s publicity-seeking letter apologising for being a little shit, Hobbs wrote: “Of course I remember you. You were a little fuck then and you’re a little fuck now. “Perhaps you’d like to come around to [...]

Star Trek convention marred by phaser violence

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 10:58:07 +0000

FOUR Star Trek fans have been arrested after a phaser battle erupted at a London convention. A stallholder selling Leonard Nimoy books was left temporarily inert after being hit on the thigh by a blast of concentrated energy. Onlooker Tom Logan said: “Someone was trying to get William Shatner to sign his name on their [...]

Miliband gets absolute shit kicked out of him

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 08:10:37 +0000

ED Miliband doesn’t talk so big when he’s in a headlock, Andrew Mitchell has confirmed. The Labour leader received an almighty kicking after he got cocky in front of his friends at PMQs and described the belligerent, cop-baiting chief whip Mitchell as ‘toast’. Tory back bencher Denys Finch Hatton said: “Mitchell approached Miliband as he [...]

Gorilla Adventure wins Booker Prize

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 09:57:01 +0000

WILLARD Price’s thrilling novel Gorilla Adventure has won the Booker Prize, despite being published in 1969. The Booker jury voted unanimously for the exciting story of pubescent brothers Hal and Roger Hunt, who become embroiled in a quest to capture a mountain gorilla for a circus. Booker jury chairman Sir Peter Stothard said: “The way [...]

Food parcels being taken by bankers dressed in tracksuit bottoms

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 09:17:46 +0000

BANKERS are dressing themselves up as poor people so they can help themselves to emergency food parcels. Charities said they became aware of the scam after noticing that several of the outstretched hands at their depots were attached to wrists wearing a Phillipe Patek watch. Banker Martin Bishop said: “It’s free so I want it. [...]

Army chiefs blasted over Hello Kitty contract

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 09:04:19 +0000

RETIRED army officers set up a controversial deal to supply the Royal Marines with £40 million-worth of Hello Kitty accessories. The former officers exploited their connections in the trinket industry to provide regiments with stationery sets, diaries and purses. But Joseph Turner, of Jane’s Defence Weekly, said: “Although charming, a Hello Kitty tricycle offers almost [...]

May says no to tiny lizards

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 09:22:48 +0000

THERESA May has confirmed a set of randomly-selected European things that Britain is going to be against. The list, drawn in what appears to be the Home Secretary’s own bodily secretions onto the back of McDonalds place mat, includes all soft cheeses south of Bordeaux, blue letterboxes and the actress Isabella Rossellini. May said: “We [...]

Lady Gaga to eat Kevin Pietersen

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 09:26:13 +0000

LADY Gaga is to make a series of unwatchable films before devouring an international cricketer on live television. In her new ‘performance concept’ the singer will ‘become’ Elizabeth Hurley by divesting herself of all discernible talent and making three films where she will basically play herself, very badly. She will then buy a yak farm [...]

Mash promotion: Fightmates.com

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 07:40:15 +0000

It all starts with a fight.

Paul Daniels to stick his hand in a toaster

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 08:05:00 +0000

MAGICIAN Paul Daniels is to spend three hours with his hand in a toaster. As David Blaine enters the pulsating core of an electrical storm, Britain’s favourite teatime illusionist will insert his left hand into a toaster and keep it there until Antiques Roadshow comes on. Other recent Daniels stunts include sitting outside a Post [...]

Ed Miliband ‘went to Grange Hill’

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 09:07:04 +0000

LABOUR leader Ed Miliband attended the archetypal TV comprehensive Grange Hill, it has emerged. Speaking at the Labour Party conference, Miliband recalled his friendship with Gonch and Hollo, as well as Zammo’s sad descent into heroin addiction. He said: “Zammo was a good guy – Mr Bronson was way too tough on him, that’s why [...]

Reader offer: Britain’s Biggest Bollockings

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 08:44:48 +0000

40 of the UK's best-ever tellings-off.

Ponds ‘die in hot Tardis’

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 09:01:34 +0000

DOCTOR Who assistants Amy and Rory Pond are to die after being left locked in a poorly-ventilated Tardis.

The Shining sequel ‘will make you shit your pants’

Fri, 21 Sep 2012 08:48:40 +0000

"It's so scary you're going to literally poo yourself," says horror master Stephen King.

Bring it, say badgers

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 10:10:17 +0000

Britain's badgers have told the Department of Agriculture that they'd better come tooled up.

Bristol to get ‘gert lush’ 4G internet

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 10:21:39 +0000

Superfast mobile technology will be 'proper job', say council chiefs.