NATWEST’S IT calamity was caused by animals and beggars getting into its India-based computer system, it has been claimed.

As thousands of British people continue to have problems using their accounts, the blame is increasingly being laid at the bare, dark-skinned feet of foreigners.

Journalist and prick Roy Hobbs said: “The problem with outsourcing to India is that they think it’s fine to let cows wander into their server rooms and shit all over everything.

“Also they wipe their bums with their hands and then touch PCB boards.

“It’s curry-scented chaos basically. They’re probably trying to fix it with a human sacrifice.”

Sales manager Emma Bradford said: “British IT professionals are simply better, they must be because they get paid a lot more money to do less work.

“I hate it when you ring those foreign call centres, the funny accents make ‘can I help you?’ sound like ‘I’m going to bite your nipples off you rancid bint’.”

Indian computer helpdesk operative ‘Fred Smith’ said: “We try to be less foreign by adopting English-sounding names and spending a disproportionate chunk of our salaries on kitchenware.

“I don’t know what else I can do really, except get my face grafted onto the body of a bulldog.”

British IT consultant Wayne Hayes said: “If only I were there I’d be able to stare at the faulty hardware in a disapproving manner while sucking my teeth, then make a sarcastic-sounding comment about how they shouldn’t have bought it in the first place.

“Then I would recommend trying to fix it with a human sacrifice.”