Dear Holly,
I managed to score with a really hot babe from my local by getting her horribly incapacitated on vodka and coke laced with rohypnol. However, I was really disappointed to see that underneath her clothes she was wearing cheap underwear from Primark. Why is it women have no self-respect these days?
Darren
Milton Keynes

Dear Darren,
Not many people know this, but Amanda Sullivan’s mum works in Primark and she told Amanda the whole truth. Basically, it used to be that poor people had to wear rags or steal their clothes from washing lines because they couldn’t afford even a zip from one of Victoria Beckham’s dresses, which are so expensive because they are made from real human skin. But then the philanthropist Lord Primark died and bequeathed his entire estate of ready-to-wear fashion to the poor people of Britain so that they would be able to throw entire outfits away without a care when they got really drunk on a Saturday and puked on themselves. Everyone was really happy, especially grannies, who got to dress in exactly the same clothes as young people, instead of oppressive quilted nighties from C & A. But no-one realised that it was all part of an elaborate plan by the evil queen of fashion, Vivienne Westwood, who had murdered kindly Lord Primark in order to begin prepping the nation for work in the underground fashion mines. It hasn’t started yet, but one day, she’ll blow a whistle and all the poor people will start filing underground and you’ll never see them again until their skins start featuring in Stella McCartney’s autumn line. Let’s hope John Topshop comes up with a plan to defeat the evil fashion witches before it’s too late.
Hope that helps!
Holly