ALL BBC OUTPUT NOW DELIBERATE LIES, SAYS DIRECTOR GENERAL

EVERYTHING broadcast across the BBC network is a deliberate and malicious falsehood, director general Mark Thompson confirmed last night.

The Mitchells actually live in Fulham

Thompson apologised to licence payers after an internal investigation found that editors and producers had been making everything up for at least three years.

The admission comes after a BBC documentary about the Queen was exposed as a fake. The producers were denied access to the monarch and instead used a 65 year-old man dressed in a Barbour jacket and a tiara.

Because of budget cuts, said Thompson, BBC cookery programmes have been unable to use real food since 2005 and were instead using ingredients made from mashed-up leaves.

Thompson also revealed that Jonathon Ross, the BBC's highest paid entertainer, was nothing more than a "jumped-up researcher with a dirty mouth".

Meanwhile BBC news will be overhauled after veteran newsreader Peter Sissons was found to be broadcasting his own fictional bulletins, scribbled down hastily at a curry house in Shepherd's Bush.

A BBC insider said: "It all stared with the Andrew Gilligan story about the Iraq dossier. We took such a pounding over something which was substantially true that we thought, 'fuck this for a game of soldiers, let's just make it all up'."

EXPOSING THOSE BBC LIES IN FULL: