ALL RIGHT - IT'S SHIT, QUEEN TELLS TOP POET

THE Queen last night gave in to demands to offer her opinion on the work of the Poet Laureate, telling him it was 'third-rate bollocks'.

Her Majesty prefers Pam Ayres

In a note to Andrew Motion, Her Majesty said his 15-line poem on the Duchess of Cornwall's hysterectomy 'made her puke on a passing dog'.

And she told the poet that if he did not enjoy being laureate he could 'ram his typewriter up his jacksy and get a job in advertising'.

The Queen wrote: "Dear Andrew, thanks for your comments, I've always said if you can't say anything nice, shut your hole, but since you ask, here goes...

"On the death of my darling mother you wrote: 'The sky-scraping trees continue their business of plumping up buds without an idea of what it might mean.'

"I've no idea what the hell that's about, but you might have said somehting about, oh I don't know, the bloody war and how she single-handedly saw off the Nazis.

"What exactly is wrong with 'May it make your sorrow, Easier for you to bear, Knowing there are others, Who understand and care'? That's a poem."

The Queen continued: "Remember William's 21st? 'Better stand back, Here's an age attack, But the second in line, Is dealing with it fine.' Are you taking the fucking piss?

"Beatrice could do better, and she can't even read. Magnificent set of charlies though. Maybe you could knock-out a limerick about titties?"

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