the dailymash

As astronomers said the chances of finding extra-terrestrial life were greater than ever, Cowell insisted he would fight arch-nemesis Simon Fuller for the rights to the best and worst looking aliens and then make them dance for space coins.

Astronomer Royal Lord Rees said orbiting telescopes were now so advanced they could find extra-solar planets and then determine whether they are capable of supporting the sort of simple, organic life forms that enjoy Saturday Night Shit-Factor and Britain's Got Rickets.

But a consortium including Cowell, Fuller, Disney and Google has called on Nasa to upgrade the equipment so that it can not only detect what television programmes the aliens enjoy, but what products are advertised during the commercial breaks.

Cowell said: "I hope they are into some really high brow stuff. There's nothing that powers my erection more efficiently than taking an intelligent, cultured civilisation and smearing handfuls of fresh dung all over its face and genitals.

"Hopefully they'll have a 12-eyed, turquoise-skinned version of David Attenborough or Simon Schama that I can marginalise with my prime-time band of easily inter-changeable space cretins."

He added: "Come to think of it, Simon Schama is actually rather freaky. I wonder if I could persuade him to dress up like a school girl and sing Papa Don't Preach in a really offensive Japanese accent."

Julian Cook, an architect and BBC4 enthusiast from Finsbury Park, said: "This is typical Cowell. The man makes me want to puke my guts into a sewer. When's it on?"