the dailymash

Show insiders claim that while Cowell covets Murs' dancing skills and cheeky demeanour, he was worried that record sales could be dented by the runner-up's terrifying face.

A source said: "Joe has the angelic looks that are so appealing to the key demographics of 12 year-old girls and middle-aged men with predatory eyes who eat cereal for their tea.

"But Olly does that funny dancing where he jerks about like a gecko with a ruptured colon. Also he seems a bit thick, which is, of course, a by-word for 'likeable'.

"But put Olly in Joe's skin and you have perfection - once you've tidied up all the ragged, bloody bits, obviously."

Sources say McElderry was cornered by a group of Cowell's dwarf assassins wielding assorted butchers' implements at the X Factor Final after-party.

One eyewitness said: "Joe performed a triumphant rendition of his debut single The Glow, after which he was immediately pinned to the ground by nasty hooded midgets, a bit like the ones in Phantasm.

"They gutted him like a trout using twisty-bladed knives, before pulling his skin up over his head like a big, bleeding shirt.

"While Joe's remains were still steaming, a sedated Olly Murs was wheeled in, stripped and hastily stitched into the skin. It wasn't a great fit at first and it took a good deal of messing about to line up the eye-holes.

"The Olly/Joe hybrid then slithered to its feet and delivered a perfectly acceptable rendition of Twist and Shout."

The eyewitness added: "Simon just smiled, nodded once, and then disintegrated into a kind of sentient black sludge before oozing off toward the nearest drain."