KIDS DEMAND TV SHOWS THEY CAN BORE THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER WITH IN 30 YEARS TIME

BRITISH children have stepped up their demands for television programmes they will be able to bore each other with at dinner parties.

Yes, but which Womble?

As a debate begins on the future of children's television, the nation's youngsters say they are worried they will not be able to have hilarious conversations about the sexual inclinations of a wide range of animated characters.

Eight year-old Wayne Hayes from Stevenage said: "Teletubbies has some mileage because of all the freaky gay stuff and the insidious catchphrases, but it does not have the same sense of wonder you get with a Mr Ben or an Ivor the Engine."

He added: "I want to be able to chat-up vacant birds using my hilarious observations about the TV shows I'm watching now. I want my Captain Pugwash. I want my Mary, Mungo and Midge."

Media analyst Bill McKay said: "Our generation can have a genuinely interesting debate about the attractiveness of Valerie Singleton or Lesley Judd, whereas I think there is now universal agreement that Konnie Huq is a total pump."

He added: "Just last week I was at a dinner party where I was playfully reminiscing about The Clangers. I even did my famous impersonation of the Soup Dragon.

"I'll tell you what, I was this close to a threesome."

Roy Hobbs, a media analyst, said: "I was at the same dinner party and I did a fantastic impersonation of Idris the Dragon, but everyone seemed to be in a Clangers mood. Fuck Bill McKay."

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