PAXMAN GROWS WEARY OF TESTICLES

NEWSNIGHT presenter Jeremy Paxman last night admitted he had grown weary of his testicles and would like them to be removed by a Scotsman.

A Scotsman's ball-removal kit

Paxman has flirted with the idea of Scots-induced testicle removal in the past, but now says he is determined to live testicle-free.

He said: "I'm in my fifties now and I want to enjoy life rather than drag these things around all day.

"I could get it done by a surgeon, but that would involve waiting lists and questions. I felt it would just be much easier to have another pop at the jocks.

"You can call the Scots scroungers and drunks and they shrug it off, but have a go at 'Rabbie' and his indecipherable shite and they come at your groin with a hacksaw.

"Listen to this - 'Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin-race'. For those of you who speak English, he's talking about minced sheep rectums. I mean for Christ's sake!"

Paxman added: "England's national bard wrote about emperors and kings, he explored the very stuff of human existence, meanwhile Burns was scribbling poems about field mice and getting pissed.

"What a lot of fucking rubbish."

Sir William McKay, emeritus professor of literature at the University of Glasgow, said: "AM HUVIN' YOUR BAWS, YA BASTAAAAARD!"

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