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ROSS TO OFFER HAND RELIEF TO OLD MEN ON CHANNEL FOUR |
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08-01-10 |
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CHANNEL Four last night offered Jonathan Ross £15m a year to bring some 80 year-old men to a shuddering orgasm.
 Who would not want to watch that?
But the jumped-up researcher with a dirty mouth was immediately snapped up by the independent broadcaster who pledged to make Jonathan's Celebrity OAP Hand-Job the centrepiece of its Friday night schedules.
A Channel Four spokesman said: "There is no better replacement for Big Brother than Jonathan Ross phoning up Nicholas Parsons and offering to wank him until he bursts.
"And of course every show will also include a fascinating and hilarious interview with Vince Vaughan talking about the sequal to Fred Claus, before Jonathan and Ricky Gervais use up 15 minutes of your life demonstrating what great friends they are."
Meanwhile the BBC has begun the search for a new person to pay £6m a year to talk between songs and help film stars make more money.
A corporation insider said: "I like the way Graham Norton runs around flapping his hands and honking like a goose, but some people feel he's a bit too subtle for BBC1."
Ross insisted he was sad to be leaving the enormous pile of free money near Shepherd's Bush tube station, adding: "I am particularly proud of the time I told everyone what films I liked and the time I asked Christian Slater to name his top three breakfast cereals."
He added: "Money was not an issue. I would happily have stayed there for any multiple of a million pounds they cared to offer, but there were other considerations.
"Like most TV presenters of my generation I desperately want the chance to make Nicholas Parsons ejaculate into the palm of my hand. For money."
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