Band Aid Lyrics 'Were Used To Destroy The English Language'


THE lyrics to the Band Aid charity song Do They Know It’s Christmas ultimately ended up in the hands of total arseholes, it has emerged.

A clanging chime of doom

According to a BBC investigation phrases such as ‘Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears’ and ‘the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom’ may have irreparably damaged the construction of English sentences.

The investigation found that since 1984, instead of making people actually think about the words they say, the song has strengthened those who want to turn the English language into an endless series of pathetic, mawkish clichés.

Linguist Tom Logan said: “Because Do They Know It’s Christmas is a charity record there has been an automatic assumption that the lyrics are not ghastly, nauseating, low-grade effluent.

“While their impact on other songs is terrifyingly apparent they have also managed to find their way into the brains of people who insist on expressing their thoughts.

“So instead of saving the English language, the last 26 years has seen a desperate and ultimately failed rearguard action to try and stop arseholes from violently sodomising our native tongue in a bid to sound caring and sensitive.”

Logan added: “Perhaps it would have been better if some of the money raised had been spent on weapons that could have been used to machine gun every last copy of the single and the video, as well as the master tapes, which are probably now strapped permanently to Midge Ure’s dirty Scottish thighs.

“And of course they could also have been pointed in a no-nonsense way at the forehead of anyone who thinks the phrase ‘there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time’ is not a horrifyingly trite piece of monkey turd.”


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